This is my first day at the hospital sortof funny i guess. So we found a weird looking stain on Samantha's bed that looks like a huge booger but cassy said it looked like discharge. I think thats gross but who knows what it could be because it's all green and crusty. Idk but my roomate cassy is really disgusting... she said her farts smell like roses and thats all she ever does but she also likes to scream and anoy people as much as possible so I don't what is up with her. Sam isn't as bad as cassy because she just reads during transition and we put our music sooo loud that we cant hear cassy. We are so evil.
I am on "boredome planet" over here because There is nothing to do excep go to RT/ expressive therapy, eat, go to class, watch tv, go out on the pattio, and sleep everyday. Oh and we argue with randy alot ecause he stares at all the girls so freakishly so we sit and flip out on him during group therapy in the morning and afternoon sessions. I hate group therapy because its stupid and boring. I also don't want to talk in front of a bunch of people because everyone knows why we are all here anyway. Screw the staff that love to anoy the shit out of us like seriously I don't even like my doctor because he lied and said that I was going to cut myself when I get out of here when he asked me what I am going to do when I leave. I call him Dr. freakenstein only because he literally makes you want to become insane just by uping your dosage of meds every chance he gets. What a wack job!
The reason why I am here is because I cut myself and I tried to kill myself twice so if you think I'm insane I don't cere because you don't know me well enough to know why I am here but I will tell you anyway. It started with a few rumors that someone made up about me being pregnant wich clearly wasnt true or I wouldn't have time to be writing about my life on here. Then I had a girl follow me in the hallway to try and start a fight with me in the hallway following me halfway to my next class but I am not naming any names so you won't know who these people are. Then by the end of the year all of this got soo bad I started cutting then a few weeks before school ended I tried to kill myself twice with pills. It wasn't a pleasant experience at all because all you feel like doing is laying there waiting for the end... feeling cold and alone even though my friend was in the hallway with me during class and all she could do was watch and help me back to class after a few minutes.
Here are my triggers that my doctor made me write.
1.Being made fun of
2.Doing nothing
3.School
4.Always babysitting
5.My grades
6. When I don't have down time
7.When I have nobody to talk to
8.When I hate myself
9.Dealing with the girls at school
10.When my mother blames me for the stupidest shit
11.When I get punished for cutting
12.When I feel like nobody cares
13.When my mother makes all my decisions
14.When I can't affor to horse back ride anymore
15.When I am sad
16.When I don't succeed at something
I can't wait for monday because I am finally getting out of this place. I am so bored here I could flip the hell out but I can't because they will make me stay here longer and I will be resrained. I never had that problem tho because If I do what they say they will let me out of here sooner. Oh well ill just have to wait and see.
I get to go home tomorrow afternoon. I can't wait!.
So my moother won't let me stay home:( im sad because I have to stay at my grandmother's for a while and I don't want to stay with her. She doesn't even want to talk to me anymore like she used to when I was little. I hate my shity family and everyone in it.
I haven't written in a while because I just sit and cry now and I fucking hate it. I am finally home now so I guess that's a small bit of good news but now my own mother is being a bitch to me so why even go anywhere that I am clearly not wanted. I hate almost everyone in my family because they think I have no feelings or needs. I do have dreams and feelings like every other person on the planet. Whatever I guess I don't care.
I am finally feeling better because I am back volunteering with the horses that I love so much because they are some of my best friends on this planet and I don't know what i would do with out them in my life.
I will never do something that stupid agaon because it's not worth it to hurt yourself or committ suicide over stupid people or people that obviously can't find anything beter to do thann to make someone's life miserable. Just don't listen and be your self or anyone like me can get into trouble and end up in a hospital.
