The Journey Of Finding Myself

stages of my life

(Some of this is true, some will be altered for the sake of people not being offended and stuff)
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I was born as a female, on the second of November, of '99. I was such a happy kid. I had everything I could have wanted. My parents were happily married, so I thought, I had amazing siblings who I loved a lot, I had friends and I was relatively smart.
At the age of four is when it went down hill.
My father left and my world fell apart. My parents weren't happily married. My siblings weren't always the best. My family was really broken, but I was far too young to realise.
Everything was all over the place. My mother wasn't able for kids. She couldn't mind 5 kids, from the age of four to thirteen. My mothers depression got worse. I didn't go to scho very often, I wasn't eating enough.
When I did go to school, I was bullied a lot. I dressed like a boy sometimes. I didn't play with the girls. Everyone said I was horrible and ugly and that they didn't blame my father for leaving. Funny how kids, who are seen as innocent, can be so so cruel.
At this point I was seven, I was getting learning support in school and I couldn't even read or write my own name. I was so skinny, I had zero energy, but I could never sleep. I was never happy.
All I grew up with was seeing my mother and my sister being depressed. I didn't know how to be happy, or how to be a kid. My mother always slept, she stayed in bed and took far too many sleeping tablets.
It became too much when I was eight. I went into foster care. I helped me. I learned to be a kid a bit. I was with my sister who I loved and adored so so much. But there was bad things happening to her in this home. I never knew and I could never do anything about it. Which is something that still kills me to this day.
When I was nine we moved homes. My sister, let's call her Anne, was put into a different home. I was devastated. This is where I really felt lost, the bullying really picked up and I never felt so much hate towards myself. I hated my body, I hated my hair, I hated my voice. I hated every possible thing I could.
Age at 12, I self harmed. And I don't want to go into much detail because it's a tough topic. I hated my body so much. I just didn't want to be on this earth. I found comfort in music. I sang, I danced. It helped a bit. It took my mind off things momentarily. It could never distract me for long enough though, I always remembered all the reasons why I hated myself. I got help, I went to a counsilor. I think was maybe thirteen. I stopped self harming but still felt low.
I came out as gay, and I felt a lot better. Though it was something bullies fed on. Over the past year I've been working on myself. I know I am not gay. That's not the reason I feel uncomfortable with myself. The reason is I am genderfluid. It was hard for me to find a word that I felt described me, but when I found it, I just knew it was right. Now, at sixteen years old, I can say that I, Alex, am rather comfortable in my skin, I work hard at school, I work hard at music, I'm slowly coming out and though I still have my lows, I know that they're just the price to pay for all the good times that I have.
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Its 1:16 am I'm sorry if this is horrid.