a w a k e

kids

so i'm staying in a children's village in thailand (for a church thing that i didn't want to go on but it's actually kinda fun). a children's village is a nicer term for an orphanage.
everyone on the team has connected with at least one of the kids. one of the girls even had her's call her 'mummy'.
everyone but me.
i only started actually staying in the village last night. i haven't had a chance to bond with one of them.
in fact the only people i've talked to are the people on my team and some of the staff.
i had to find somewhere to sit in the dining hall for dinner tonight. it wasn't fun. i ended up sitting with two of the people from my team (one being the aforementioned girl whose kid called her mummy) and some 6-10 year olds. both the people from my team were hugging the kids that they had grown attached to. i sat in the middle by myself. i only talked to the two from my team.
after dinner we had to go play with the kids in the common area outside.
the girl from earlier (who i'm going to call kylie for anonymity reasons) is a professional photographer. she got these amazing, adorable shots of her two girls that she had bonded with. the other guy who i sat with (who i'm calling kevin again for anonymity reasons) said to me: "that's what love looks like."
i just responded with: "i wouldn't know what that is. what it looks like let alone feels like."
i then proceeded to sit with my back to a wall and enter the fourth depressive episode for the day (and there would be two more after that). basically i just sat there and cried silently and nobody noticed (thank god).

i've never been a particularly likeable person. i've always been the outcast. it's never been clearer before now.

everyone is going to be heartbroken when they have to leave these kids. i'm going to be just as so, if not more, for a different reason.
i know i'll feel a wave of sadness because, in a kinda sick way, i wish i could feel that. i wish i could have that.

but i won't and i don't. i'll just have to deal and accept that i will never feel love in any way.
-elliot