Ok here's the deal, this rant is about my personal life, and I dunno where its gonna go. I might delete it who knows.
Ok, a guy in my class says he likes me...well he says he loves me. And I do have a crush on him. Now don't get me wrong I'm happy and all but....
...I feel like he's making a mistake.
I'm not trying to ask for attention, I just have issues telling these things to my friends. Anyways, the thing is my depression gets in the way of a lot of things. It gets in the way of me really enjoying life.
A couple weeks ago I had a break down and somehow managed to talk about how much I hate myself in a small group chat him and a couple of our friends have. I talked about how I don't love because I'm just a pathetic heartless person who wants nothing but bitterness. He kept telling me in our own private texts to stop. But I ignored him and continued until I was a sobbing mess and criticizing myself to the worst of its extent. I finally stopped in the group chat and told him how much I hated myself and I see myself as a pathetic waste of oxygen. He kept telling me I'm not and it started to help.
I told him:
Depression was like drowning except you can see everyone around you breathing.
Later on that same night he told me he loved me and that he hated hearing what I said and how I viewed myself.
He's the sweetest kindest guy ever, he shouldn't waste his time on a ball of darkness like me. I try and tell him but he doesn't listen. It doesn't make sense, my mind is a dark spot where nothing good seems to happen, yet he loves me? He says he sees good in me. I don't want to hurt him, I refuse to. I do really like him, I don't say love because...I have extreme trust issues since people have stabbed me in the back countless times. I can't let my walls down.
If he ever saw my breakdowns to their full extent he'd feel enormous amounts of pity which I don't want. I don't want him to feel bad just because I'm an idiot who tells herself to bottle everything up until everything flows out in one huge dark, evil time.
If he saw them in real life it'd be worse. I hate crying in front of people. I feel weak and vulnerable. I feel open to people hurting me more than I have already been hurt. And saying that I feel selfish, why can't I forget about myself and focus on others? And all of this over one guy who I probably won't stay in touch with after school.
You guys probably think I'm some expert on love and crap right? I write so many fanfictions on this kind of stuff yet I have no clue what I'm talking about.
So there's my rant. Like I said I might delete it, I dunno why I'm even posting this...sorry this isn't a one shot, just needed to get my rant out. I love you all devils byeeee
