Gedankenpudding

She

She thought too much.

She said too little.

She didn't know what she meant to me.

She thought: "What if I stopped moving? What if I stopped talking? What if I wouldn't be here? What if I just don't breathe anymore? Won't there be the sun anyway? And the stars won't they shine on anyway? And life wouldn't it go on anyway? And anyway would it change anything?"

"And anyway would it change anything?" she had said, then she'd pulled the trigger.

Two hours later she was found in a puddle of blood, her skin as pale, her face tear-stained and she was dead.

At this moment I was at a party, I didn't help her, like all the times before, I didn't save her this time and there surely won't be a next time.

I had fun while she suffered, while she became one more time too weak to stand against all this.

I didn't think anything when she said that she was fine, I didn't ask a second time, I didn't do it like I did it all the times before.

All the times when the monsters in her head drew everything in black and scared her and when I came and helped her cleaning up the black mess up and gave her her little chaos in the right order back, so she could live on.

This time I wasn't there and there surely won't be a next time.

And she?

She didn't think about me, she didn't understand that at the moment she became too weak, my heart broke into thousands of pieces and it will take a long time to get all of them back and put them together in the right way.

She didn't understand that my sun stopped shining and hat all the little stars fell down and broke and she didn't understand that my life stopped and turned inside out, that she would drive me crazy, break me, hit me in the face.

She didn't understand that I cared, that I cared about her and that she did matter and that she was beautiful in her special, unique way of hers.

And I had fun while she suffered.

And I wasn't there this time and there surely won't be a next time.

And she thought too much and she said too little.

And she didn't know what she meant to me.

And she didn't understand.

I wasn't there this one last time and there surly won't be a next time.