Decide already (Ao no Exorcist ff)

Decide already

Sighing, you take off your uniform, as if getting rid of that part of your life with it.

Luckily Rin isn't home yet, so you still have time to learn, time to yourself. It is quite sad though, that his presence, something you used to look forward to, is something you loathe, almost fear now. But it's better that way. He is bound to be corrupted some day and killing someone you hate is easier, even if it is your brother (even if it's Rin). 

Noise that borders on yelling comes from the entrance, a sure sign of Rin's return. 

"Awww, did you meet with a girl?" You hear, good-natured teasing, as always. Rin's fluster is practically audible. "O-of course not! And what's with that interest, aren't you supposed to be monks or something?" Raucous laughter is the response, yet none actually answer his question.

You take a moment to scowl - You'll have to go greet him soon or else he'll worry. And then he'd ask questions that no one is allowed to answer. Rin must remain oblivious to everything supernatural around him, after all. If not, he could go berserk, like the demon he is (or might be).

("No," the father who is yours and Rin's father specifically, but not really, says. "But he needs to experience normal life." You don't. And sometimes you wonder whether that is good or bad.)

You open the door and that motion starts the play that is 'normal daily life'. You are 'Okumura Yukio', a studious, peaceful boy who dreams to be a doctor and loves his brother, despite all the trouble he gets in. Once, that was who you were. Now, you hate that person.

You smile at Rin, as he greets you enthusiastically and then frown, worried, disappointed. You have had enough practise when those emotions were real.

"You got into a fight again, didn't you?"

Nowadays you think that it's inevitable, unavoidable. He is a demon's son, the son of Satan himself. The only son, as far as the people who know are concerned - After all, his powers are the only thing that matters. It's natural that people with demonic tendencies are drawn to him, natural that he fights because that and killing are what he's born to do.

But then he says, "They called me 'Demon' and said that dad only took us in to exorcize it. Me - I get, but how dare they call you that!"

And when you smile despite of yourself, it's the closest to truth you get. Because it's Rin and for all his temper and its tendency to take control over his brain, Rin is one of the kindest people you know. But even though your smile is almost real, even though you want to launch yourself at the chance that maybe, maybe Rin will always stay Rin and not burn up with blue flames and take the world with him, there is also the feral grin he bears when he's fighting, like he's enjoying it. And when you see that grin you know that for all his kindness, he is still Satan's son. 

(And as his brother, what does that make you?)

It would be easier if Rin was truly evil. Then father Okumura never would have taken him in, killing him when you were able to forget him, to hate him even in your memories and maybe then you wouldn't have to lie to him too.

Something whizzes by your ear. You don't even bother to duck, too used to it. It still catches Rin by surprise and hits him right in the face. 

"What the hell?!" he shouts, a red, shoe-shaped mark on his face.

"Foolish boy! When will you start using your brains instead of your fists? Your power could be used for something better!"

And with that, another fight breaks out. You stand by and look both worried and exasperated. Foolish, oblivious Rin, who doesn't know that he's constantly being judged, that not only his future, but his very life depends on his innocence. 

You almost don't notice their argument ending, with a sulking, "Fine! I'll try to keep my temper."

"It's keep your cool or control your temper," you correct longsufferingly.

"Same thing," Rin answers and at least his smile is embarassed.

You notice blood on his left arm. He'd tried to hide it, you notice, behind some sort of sweatband, but you're good at noticing injuries. You hadn't lied about wanting to be a doctor.

You reach out to him. "You got hurt, didn't you? Come on, I'll patch you up."

"Thanks, Yukio!" Rin says and you sigh, because it's so like him to be proud of you instead of being miffed that keeping it secret to keep others, to keep you and father from worrying didn't work out.

The wound is not very deep, you only need to clean and bandage it.

You hate every second of it. Taking care of Rin's injuries is the worst, since you're usually alone then and you have to talk to him. Lying to him has always been hard because of how easy it was, how much he believes your every word.

Before, you could at least tell yourself that it was to protect him, but what good is being able to protect your brother if you might have to kill him any minute?

Then there's the way he looks at you. It's all in his words and behaviour too, but his eyes are the worst. He looks at you like you are still the little brother he used to protect and it makes you itch for your gun just to show him 'see? I'm not like that anymore, I've grown stronger, stronger than you now'. 

Except that's not quite true, is it?  

If you ever told him, if he got a hold of his abilities, then even Mephisto Pheles might have trouble with him, from what you've been told.

And he smiles at you, open and trusting and you love and hate him for it.

Why can't you decide?!, you want to scream at him. Just decide whether you are my brother or a monster I have to kill!

You smile back and lie. What else can you do?

------------------------------

Who needs sleep anyway during holidays?