Jonah Clarke Is Not Gay

Dedicated to willowrosenburg for the cover/fanart above

And it's over! (Well there's an epilogue but close enough)

"Hey," Daniel says.

It's the next morning at school and Daniel still feels as if the breaths he is releasing are shaky, still feels as if the smallest thing might push him over the edge.

He feels a little calmer when he sees Jonah though. It's stupid really, these feelings he has for the other boy. Life would be so much better if emotions were the sort of thing you could control with a flick of a switch. Daniel knows Jonah is off limits, and so he'd flick them off. But that's not possible and so instead Daniel is left to stare at Jonah and feel the clenching of his heart.

And Daniel knows it's idiotic and stupid and all kinds of other synonyms. He knows, deep down, that Jonah doesn't really deserve Daniel's heart. That Jonah has come close to breaking it time and time again. But that doesn't stop Daniel from letting Jonah do it, in the hope that Jonah will turn up with bandages not long after.

Mistake after mistake. Apology after apology. Their relationship follows a pattern. And it might be masochistic of Daniel but he finds he's not ready for it to end, not just yet, not when his heart still aches for Jonah.

"Hey," Jonah says back.

Daniel notices that there's something off about Jonah today; as if something's changed overnight. As if the Jonah in front of Daniel isn't the same Jonah he saw yesterday. Daniel decides to let it slide though.

"You okay?" Jonah asks.

It's a vague question but Daniel knows what Jonah is really asking. He wants to know what happened after Daniel put down the phone, wants to know whether Daniel is still in a state of self resentment, whether he decided to give up.

Daniel fixes a smile on his face.

"I'm fine."

"That's the shittiest answer I've ever heart."

Daniel begs his smile to grow a little wider.

"Are you okay?"

Jonah doesn't answer the question straight away, and when he finally opens his mouth to speak the words that come out are completely unrelated.

"Do you wanna hang out after school? Just you and me?"

"Just you and me?" Daniel echoes.

"Yeah."

Jonah makes no move to elaborate and Daniel doesn't want to ask too many questions. This Jonah is definitely different and Daniel is starting to worry, and so he can't bear to say no.

"Sure thing."

The space between them falls silent after that. Daniel desperately wants to fill it but none of the words he thinks of seem to fit right. And so he lets the silence grow, stretching like a never ending gap between them and Daniel wonders – not for the first time – if things are ever really going to go back to normal.

It seems like it's one step forward, three steps back.

But how can things go back to normal? After kisses and confessions and being so close, how can things ever go back to normal? How can Daniel look at Jonah and see him as friend, when really he's looking at the boy he loves? How can Jonah look at Daniel and see a friend when Jonah knows that Daniel is hopelessly in love with him?