Some days the distance is too much. Some days the idea that you are forever away feels just like that. I can be in the flesh inches from you but you are gone. The distance remains. Other days you are 3 plane rides from home but the way you stroke my heart feels like you're living in my skin. How can the distance come and go so quickly? How can the emotions be measured in miles when they can't be seen only felt. Does it work like sonar where it's not visible but can be calculated? Our relationship has always been complex but until today I was sure the emotions were simple. The emotions, relationships, actions, life we have together was simple...it was love. But how can something you love shift from so close to so far so easily?
Love always sounded strong to me. Love speaks a lifetime to me. Never fickle or on again off again but today right now there is no stability in love - only insecurity. Love feels selfish and unkind; not at all what I thought the world had promised me when I agreed to partake. I see you, you say you're here with me but I can tell you are not. I can feel the rivers, mountains, abandoned roads between us. I can look at your eyes and see the color that I felt was mine till death do us part. I can touch your rough calloused hands that I was sure would hold tight to me until I took my last breath. But I feel none of that I feel the vacant air blowing across the broken gravel. I can sense the cold creeping in just as you feel the raging fire burn down to dark black ashes.
So what now? How long to do I wait and home you help me find a way to bridge this distance? How hard to I try to find that softness in your words again while clinging tightly to your soul as it wanders the abyss? I see you traveling but in which direction are you moving further away into the cold, or are you leading me off this faulty path to the place where we can fit side by side again? I have to hold on and wander the distance you travel for now, but only I can decide for how long. I will have to someday make the decision how many emotional miles I can endure. I fear I am not strong enough to make the trip to find the warmth of your heart again if the cold distance keeps appearing between us. Who will suffer more as we work to find that middle ground where we both feel close, connected, and above all else loved? It feels like you have wandered so far from me I can't see you anymore, but there you lay I can hear your breath as you sleep. Do you feel my ache when your mouth touched mine?
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500 Honest Words
Não FicçãoRambling honest posts that will contain nothing less than 500 words and pieces of my soul.
