Lost.Live.Love

Chapter 1: Lost - The Emotions

I sometimes ask myself "Does it get any better than this; if it doesn't then why carry on?"

School would be the only place I felt safe; anywhere but home was safe. I hated that man Peter Challice. He was quite tall but always walked with a slight limp, his eyes were difficult to look at as they were naturally cross eyed. The cover up of the glasses he wore didn't really make it any easier to look him in the eyes when making conversation. The clothes he dressed in always made myself and everyone else around feel like we were royalty. It was his choice to dress this way of course; all he would do is sit on his lazy backside making my mother go to work instead. This of course left him with no money so he always blackmailed my mom for some. He always used the excuse "I need money to feed to kids when you go to work". Of course we had our meals at school, 6 of us children there were; our mother always looked after us, we just feared every time she had to go to work.

Most of the time I found myself in tears in my room, I would try and leave notes saying how sorry I was but I loved everyone but 'him'.

I was seven when it all started. I just wanted to die; being catholic and letting something like this happen to me, I felt disgusted. Ashamed.

My half brother and sister belonged to 'it', I felt sorry for Jack and Stacy. They were the two youngest and had no idea of what he was capable of.

I was only seven and it's not like I wasn't grateful for my life, but I would rather be dead than going through all the mental torture, emotional abuse and so much more that I didn't even know of. I wasn't that smart for a seven year old but I had plenty of time to learn new things.

The first time it happened both 'it' and I were playing Fifa on the xbox. It happened and then a car pulled up outside to pick me up. My guardians could tell something was wrong, I never said a word and stayed in bed crying for a few days. I was scared to tell anybody, after all it was embarrassing because I'm a Roman Catholic. I just stayed in silence and my bubbly self of what use to be small, now was nothing but shyness and pain. My attitude changed completely and you know what hurts the most? The fact that nobody sat down with me properly and asked if everything was alright. No one had 'that talk' with me, it's like no body noticed the change in my behaviour at all. I felt alone.

The fact that he blackmailed me made me fear everything and everyone around me. He said "If you tell anyone we would both get shot or end up in prison"...

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It was year six now and everyone in class was becoming more mature. We were learning new things, reading the bible and planning our futures. I found out I was good at cross stitch but I easily wanted to put it down and go kick a ball around the playground with the lads.

That day changed the way I viewed things in life. We was learning about 'the birds and the bees'. It was an embarrassing topic for everyone but most of the class laughed at a few things just because they were nervous. The teacher was asking questions and the class was answering them quickly and confidently. Until she turned to me. "Do you think boys have hair down below?" I froze. My face went bright red and I started to panic. At this point the whole class were just looking at me waiting for me to answer. I knew the answer of course but I wasn't going to say 'yes' or try to explain how I knew. I tried to think really hard about what I was going to say next as I didn't want anyone to call me names or look at me in disgust. I gave it a few seconds, my face looking like a tomato at this point; I simply said "I don't know..."

The teacher continued to explain and then moved on to something else. "What do you all know about a good touch and a bad touch when it comes to adults or anyone else for that matter?" The class tried to discuss this but it wasn't something they had learnt before so the teacher carried on. The teacher explained simply that a good touch is like a high-five, a safe, a cuddle, something that makes you feel safe and happy and secure. She continued on and now spoke about the opposite. We learnt that day that a bad touch is like a slap or a punch, a kick or being touched where you don't want to be touched.
I froze and I just wanted to cry.
The teacher added that "the bad touches can be signs of abuse, if ever you feel like that then you need to tell a trusted adult like a teacher, police officer or anyone you feel safe to confide in".

That day I came out of school with the most thunderous look on my face. I didn't want to see 'it'. But it was too late, he was there waiting to pick my brothers and sisters up from school. I was the eldest, then there was Chloe,Simon,Elle,Stacy and Jack. I was rushing off home storming ahead of the others, Simon followed and tried to cheer me up. We had a sprint race all the way home and when we got in, we got the bb pellet guns out and chased each other around the house and into the garden. We was having so much fun until 'he' told me off.

It was later on that evening now and most of my younger siblings was in bed. I think it was just Simon and I left downstairs with the alcoholics. Our mom was at work....as usual. Only because 'it' was to idle to work.

The adults were in the kitchen, there were about 4 men and two women in there. They closed the door and told us to stay away. It was clear what they was doing; it was like they all magically got a cold as you heard them all pig snorting. After a while the door opened. They all looked like they were on another planet. The men had their hands down their trousers and it made my brother and I feel sick. It came to a point where 'he' was telling everyone what he did to me. I felt like killing him and my anger was all over the place. Everyone was laughing at what he told them and I couldn't take it anymore. I had been holding back the tears and I felt like an outcast. I chose to give up and ran towards the kitchen drawer and pulled out a knife. Everyone was laughing at me. I looked at them all in discust and held the sharp knife up to my throat...
"Don't come any closer or else".....

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