The Hunger Games - I'm Still Burning

Chapter 9

                   

"You were ten weeks along, Miss Everdeen. There was no real cause, sometimes things can go wrong at the point of conception and the foetus receives too many or not enough chromosomes. If this is the case then the foetus can't develop properly, resulting in a miscarriage."

I sit stiff in the immaculately polished chairs. I start every time I look down, mistaking the red of the plastic for blood. Blood. My baby is nothing more than blood now.

"So she couldn't have done anything to help it?" Peeta asks.

Doctor McKenzie shakes his head.

"No, nothing could have been done. It's just something that happens sometimes and unfortunately we don't have any control over it. But the good news is that it is very unlikely to recur."

If I had the energy, I would have leapt over the table and slapped him there and then. There was no good news, no silver lining. My baby had died. I was responsible for killing yet another person. Who could see the good in that?

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The scene plays on repeat in my head as I'm throwing my guts up over the toilet seat. Again and again. Over and over. It won't stop. Won't go away. Why have we done this?

"Katniss?"

I don't look up. I am frozen, shivering in my hunched position on the floor. Tears free fall into my lap. A cold cloth finds my forehead; a hand rubs my back. My teeth chatter, sending a rattle through my entire body.

"Katniss, it's okay."

"Wh..what have we done?" I stammer. I turn to him frantically, gripping on to his arm. "What if it happens again? What if I ki..." I choke on the word. Sobs escape, one after the other.

"Katniss, shhh it's okay," he strokes my hair, pushing it away from my sweaty face. "You didn't kill the baby before, that wasn't your fault. You have to stop blaming yourself for it!"

"It was my fault! I wished it away, pretending it wasn't real and then it really happened," I cry. There's nothing he could say that would unconvince me of this. Nothing the doctor could have said.

"That's not how it works," he says softly. He dabs at my mouth with the cloth, probably wiping the remnants of vomit that still sits there.

"Who made you the expert on how pregnancy works?" I ask, bitterly.

He sighs and throws the cloth into the sink, making me instantly feel guilty for snapping at him. It's not his fault. Well, not completely.

"Sorry," I say, feebly.

"You don't even know if you are pregnant yet, Katniss, it's only the second time you've been sick," he says.

"It's the same kind of feeling as before," I say. My sobs have brought on a round of hiccups. Peeta picks up a glass from the side and fills it with water. He hands it over to me with a quizzical expression on his face.

"What do you mean it's the same as before?" he asks.

"I don't know. I can't describe it but it just feels familiar," I say.

I take a few tentative sips of the water, washing away the dirty taste in my mouth. Some of it I gurgle back and spit into the toilet. Peeta's probably never been so attracted to me.

"We should go see the doctor then, so he can tell us and we don't have to second guess it all," he says.

"No, I don't want to see a doctor!" I say, maybe a little too forcefully. Going to a doctor implies something is wrong, I don't want anything to go wrong this time.

"Do you even still want this?" he asks quietly.

I turn and look at him, falling under his intense gaze. I do want this for him, I want him to be happy. He deserves to be happy. But do I want this for me? My mind wanders back to the day with Lily, how much I was needed by her. I want someone to need me that way again. I'm nodding before I've even made a conscious decision.

"I do want this but I'm scared," I say.

"You think that I'm not? I'm terrified, Katniss. I haven't done this before, I don't know what it will be like but I know that it will be okay because I have you," he says. "And you have me."

"What if I kill..." I wince, "what if I lose it again?"

"Then we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. But you heard the doctor, it's rare that it will happen again," he smiles reassuringly at me.

I smile weakly back.

"You really think this could be it?" he asks, the excitement beginning to bubble in his voice.

I shrug my shoulders, allowing some of his excitement to rub off on me.

"Enjoy the next nine months of freedom while you still can," I grin. "This might be it."

He laughs and scoops me up, spinning me round till the room becomes nothing more than a blur. I'm laughing until wave of nausea hits again.

"Peeta!" I yell, hitting him hard on the chest.

He stops suddenly, and lowers me on to the floor. I push him aside and rush to the toilet, barely making it before the second round of bile surfaces.

My hair's pulled back in one quick motion and his hand is making those small, comforting circles up and down my back.

"Sorry," he says, sheepishly.

"I hate you," I groan, sinking down to my knees when I'm done.

"I love you too," he says, planting a kiss on the top of my head.

Despite my current predicament, I smile. If I had to have anyone by my side during this experience, I wouldn't want it to be anyone but Peeta.

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Sorry this is a short chapter! I've got so much course work to do this week so I wanted to update for you all today just in case I didn't get the chance in the week. I've got a few ideas for chapters ahead though so hopefully they'll make up for this rubbish one!