The Hunger Games - I'm Still Burning

Chapter 19

I can't go inside. I can't bring myself to stand up, open the door and go in. I can't face him. Not right now. I shuffle as the cold from the front porch steps seeps into my legs. I don't cry. They've all dried out. Haymitch came by, took one look at me and turned straight back round. 

He's going to call me a bad mother. I am a bad mother. He'll never leave her alone with me now. But I need to tell him her name.

Sighing, I stand up and shake the cold from my fingers. I listen outside for any movement but our house is silent. He'll have got her to sleep within the first five minutes of being home no doubt. Time to face the music.

The door creaks on its hinges, alerting everyone inside of my presence. No one comes to greet me. Not that I expect him to. I let him down. Again.

I head towards the kitchen where I hear the fire crackling. The room is empty save for the dinner that has been left out on the table. Presumably for me.

Maybe he's calmed down and forgiven me already, I think hopefully.

"Peeta?" I call out.

There's a shuffling in the room above me. I wait a while but there's no response. I blow my fringe up off my face in frustration as I start to take my walking boots off.

A sudden smash makes my heart drop. I feel it slipping down my legs and thrumming in my feet as I race up the stairs, praying that Peeta has just tripped. Dropped a glass. Knocked the dresser. Anything other than...

There's no crying, there's no burbling.

I burst through Willow's door, breathless and scared witless. Her night light flickers on the stand but I make out her silhouette lying in the cot between each flash of light. I rush over and place my hand on her chest. It moves up and down as it should. I check her face, her arms, her legs. There's nothing that signifies any harm has come to her. She's snoring soundly.

I heave a sigh of relief and bend down to kiss her on the head. Then I realise Peeta isn't here and the cycle starts all over again.

I tiptoe out of Willow's room, making sure the door is shut behind me. The more barriers there are, the safer she'll be.

I pad down the hall and poke my head tentatively into mine and Peeta's room. The only light slivers under the gap of the bathroom door. I hesitate for a moment, not really sure which version of Peeta I'll be facing up to. I inspect the room around me. Our red checked duvet is strewn in a heap in the corner of the far side wall. The windows are wide open, a chilly breeze billowing through them.

"Peeta?"

A sob comes from the bathroom. The kind of sob that rips right through your skin, your muscles, your bones. The kind that pulls and snaps every available heart string. The kind that piles on the guilt because you know you're the cause of them. I rush towards the sound, each step cracking open something new inside of me.

I've just released the handle from it's latch, caught a glimpse of the mess behind it before the door is tugged back, slammed in my face.

"You can't come in here, Katniss."

He sounds like a let down child. I let him down.

"Please let me in, Peeta. I want to talk to you," I say, softly.

"Just go away, Katniss. I'm going to hurt you!" he protests.

I ignore him. I keep talking.

"I found a name for her, Peeta."

A groan, a slam on the door. "Get away from me!"

"Willow. Do you like the name Willow?"

His breathing gets heavier.

"Prim is next to a Willow tree," I babble on. Really I'm dragging out the time, this can go either way. He snaps or he comes back to me. I'd much prefer the latter.

"Prim is dead, Katniss," he says, bluntly.

"Thank you for reminding me," I say through gritted teeth. "I thought Willow would be a pretty name, don't you?"

"I had a great grandmother called Willow," he says, quietly.

"I kept thinking about how it would sound, the name Willow echoing through the house when we need her, when she's in trouble or when her dinner is ready."

"I made you dinner."

"I know, thank you. I'm sorry about today, Peeta. I wanted her to see Prim and I needed the fresh air to think and to be me again," I say.

His breathing is slowing back down to an even pace. I slide down the door, my energy gone. Goosebumps prickle my arms and I shiver as the night air gets ever cooler. Why can't we be a normal, functioning family? Is there even such a thing anymore?

The bathroom door clicks open and I fall backwards onto the tile flooring. Peeta looms over me, his ice cave eyes meeting mine. His lips turn upwards in to what I think is a smile, or the start of one at least.

"Do you still want to kill me or are you my husband again now?" I ask, rubbing my head where it hit the floor.

"I'd like to be your sane husband again, if that's okay," he says, laying down on the floor beside me.

I shake my head. "No, you must belong to someone else, I don't have a sane husband," I say, rolling into him.

He tuts and wraps his arm around me. I snuggle into him, trying to gain all the heat from him that I can in this freezing room.

"I didn't hurt her," he whispers.

"I know you didn't. You couldn't ever hurt her, you're her daddy," I tell him.

"I got away from her as soon as I felt - "

I put my hand over his mouth to shush him.

"You don't have to explain it to me, Peeta. I'm the one in the dog house today. I shouldn't have taken her to the woods when I clearly wasn't ready," I say.

"I know, don't think that I'm still not annoyed that you did that without me," he says, sternly. I deflate, hating that I haven't been forgiven yet.

"But I shouldn't be so fussy with you all the time, I understand why you did it. I'll try harder not to be like that," he says.

I sigh. "Being parents is hard!"

He grins, "Tell me about it."

I sit up and turn to face him.

"On the plus side, I found a name for her?" I say, getting up off the floor.

"Willow," he says, trying it out. "I love it!"

As if on cue, she lets out a shriek from her bedroom.

"Your go," I say, shutting the windows.

"Oh, I don't know if I should, Katniss. I'm not safe," he says.

I peer at him through the darkness and reach out my hands. He stares at them, hesitant.

"Come on, Peeta. She needs her daddy."

He takes my hands, still so unsure. I lead him into Willow's room and step back. It's as if a switch is flipped, I don't have to say anything as daddy mode takes over. I watch him cradle her in his arms with a warm, fuzzy feeling in my chest. I don't have to worry about him, I know he would never hurt her.

The world stops for a short space of time and in this time I am utterly, completely content watching my husband and our daughter. Something I never thought I'd see. Something I didn't even want to see for fear of it all being taken away from me.

So content you don't even miss your own sister anymore.

And it starts again.