My father sent me to Hell

The way I'm not:

You all have names for The Big Man, up there: God, Almighty, Lord, whatever it is. Me? I only have one name: Dad.
Of course, you all have your name that you know me by, but around here I have the nickname Judas. Why? Because, let's face it, I'm tired of living up to the golden boy standard that my father expects me to live to.
I got crucified, in his name, for fuck's sake, and what do I get? You think I get praised for putting my life at risk for the benefit of others? Ooohh no. No, what I get is an hour long lecture about how I was supposed to teach non-violence to the people and ended up being violently murdered, if I should even think of bringing the subject up.

So of course I replace the love in the best way possible. Well... the best way possible to me, at least: I became a complete asshole- and I love every minute of it. Not to mention the ladies just walk right into the trap. Hey, I'm not a complete dickhead! I don't turn them or anything... the angels up here actually happen to be a lot less innocent than you might think.
But it's a win-win situation: I get to have my... fun? And they get to gossip to the other angels about their night with me. What? I can't help that I'm completely irresistible, can I? I can't help that any more than the angels' insatiable gossiping habits. 

Besides... No one appears to complain...

"JESUUUUUUUSS!!!" 

Until they do.... 

That would be my father's booming voice that is currently shaking the mere foundations of the halls.

"WHAT?!" I yell back, my laziness really preventing me from moving off of the leather couch that engulfed me ever more, by the second. "WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT?!"

Seconds later, I hear my father's pounding footsteps echoing through the halls towards my bedroom, each step bouncing off of the walls to create a THUD sound. And... Any second now...

SLAM! The door to my bedroom practically falls off of its hinges, and my father enters, dramatically as always. There it is...
Fully entering the room, to stand directly in the centre, crossing his arms, a stern expression plastered on his face,  he said "Do you mind explaining to me why you decided to write such crude words on the entrance to Heaven?"

I put on my best fake attempt at surprise and confusion "I don't know what you're talking about, father, but I will do my utmost to help you catch this miscreant. I prom-"

"Lose the improv. drama act, Jesus!" my Dad snapped. I smirked slightly to myself before saying "I don't know why you're so mad, Father. I merely tried to welcome the new souls into Heaven with a message that would get through to them."

"And you think the words 'you should have gone to Hell- Heaven is a shithole' in capital letters, is the right message to get through to them, do you? Why do you do these things, Jesus?" he said with a sigh of disappointment and with an undertone of anger.

Unable to contain the amusement any longer, howls of laughter exploded from my chest, tears trickling down my cheeks, from the joy of taunting these utterly BORING people, here in Heaven. It was just too damned hilarious.

I could have laughed about this one small prank for at least another hour. Just the mere thought of those stupid new souls, who would be traumatised by this notice for the rest of their existence, on this plane. Well... it had me in fits of humour-filled laughter. This humour was soon short-lived, though, as my father had.. Shall we say, a way with words. Or rather, a way with volume...

"STOP LAUGHING!!!"he screamed in my direction, his brows fully crooked, arched inwards and his frown lines curving indiscretely across his forehead. His eyes glowed, somewhat, with the anger that surged through his body, from the previously mentioned frown lines, to the veins on his upper arms almost rupturing from the force of his tensed biceps. The breath he seemed to be holding, probably to try and keep his cool, only made his chest puff out, reminding me of a pigeon during mating season. That thought did not help, at all, as the tears began to flow faster and more freely across my cheeks, dripping down to my jeans as I keeled over with laughter.

Eventually, I managed to calm myself enough to pay attention, again, and listen to what my father had to say. Although, I'm guessing it probably had something to do with how much of a disappointment I am.

"I have had just about enough of you and your stupid antics, here, Son!" he said, firmly and sincerely "It's time you learn some manners and learn them fast."

I gave in to my lack of a filter pretty easily and blurted out "Oh don't worry, Dad, I'm a fast learner" wiggling my eyebrows in the process.

This seemed to tick him off even more but somehow I didn't think he was going to shout at me this time...

"I'm not going to shout at you this time." he stated, his face void of emotion "simply going to dish out the punishment and watch it take its toll. A week in Hell with your cousin should do it."

"Okay, Bye!" I snorted cheerfully "Lucifer understands me. Luc understands me, Dad!"

He paused for a moment, clearly choosing his words with caution, before saying "That may well be true but a week in hell would make anyone change their ways. Your cousin is the exception. Well... I suppose someone has to look after the underworld, don't they?"

"Then I will rule with him!" I shouted, defiantly shoving my dad's punishment right back in his face, before implying he shove it somewhere else by saying "you'll never see me again, Dad."

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