Putting it Together

Darkness

Most of the time, I hide my feelings and act as if there is nothing wrong with the way I feel. I get to feel like I am one with my people. I can smile, laugh, cry, smoke, drink, basically do anything with my people whenever I want and not feel left out.

Every once in a while, I get this feeling, a nasty feeling and it gives me so much anxiety and I have no idea what to do. I feel like I should scream and shout but at the same time I know I should hide it like how I hide the rest of my feelings.

When this feeling starts to come back into my life, I start to do things to keep me busy and to keep my mind off of this stupid feeling. I sleep and listen music, the same thing a lot of people seem to like to do when they're not feeling well. I just sleep away the pain, put the volume up loud enough to not hear the voices in my head telling me to do bad things, and sleep.

Sometimes this works, other times the voices decide to bang on the side of my head until I wake up and turn off the music. Or the voices would turn to faces glued on the inside of my eyes that are looking down at me, putting pressure, lecturing, yelling at me to get up and stop doing what I'm doing.

Lately these voices have been heard louder and louder in my head, the music can't even make it go away. These voices have been taking control of me, of my life. I don't want anybody to tell me what to do anymore, but these voices won't leave me alone.

"You shouldn't hang out with those people. I don't care if you think you belong with them. Go study."
"Get off the couch, fat ass."
"I don't care if you don't get it, your dumb ass better pass this easy shit or you're going to be a failure and nobody wants to marry or be around a failure."
"Why can't your dumb ass just do it yourself? Do you expect a maid to be there and do it for you? Lazy ass."
"Try harder, your effort isn't enough."

These voices won't leave me alone. I don't want them to follow me around anymore. The pressure they give me is unbelievable. I just want to finally get rid of these voices without ripping my head off.

My last resort taking care of these voices, is basically just letting them take over. I did this the last time I heard them. I gave up on trying to overcome them, trying to let those voices know that I want to live my own life, that I wasn't going to give in, but I did. They drained the creativity in me, I could no longer do what I loved.

They dressed me in a gray suit with a briefcase, with a fancy tie and shiny black shoes that made my toes go numb. They put me in a small room with no ceiling above it, a shelf and papers. In that little room, it was dark. If any actual light shined on it, there was another voice yelling for me to get back into the room and to stay on task. I had no idea what I was doing, I was just typing and typing until my fingers turned blue. Oh look, some coffee. "Back to work." Type, type, type, cramp, back ache, type.

The darkness in this small room kept getting bigger and bigger. One day, it got to the point where all I saw was a screen and a keyboard. There was no light, nothing. These voices, yeah those annoyingly loud fucking things led me to a path with no light, nothing at the end point, just darkness.