Putting it Together

Phobia

I've always been scared of things like spiders, clowns, for some reason elephants and just a lot of things. Every time there was a spider in my room or if one got near me, I would cry and scream until my brother or my dad came in to save the day.

Every time we went to the carnival or to a birthday party where there was a clown with his little balloon animals, I would freeze up and try running away. My brother would have to find me and pick me up and secure me to make sure I didn't run off again.

One time our family had decided that we were all going to meet up at the zoo and we were all going to have a good time. We saw all the monkeys and the colorful birds, I even got to see a llama. We got to where the elephants were, these giant things looking down at me, and I don't know what happened after that. I screamed bloody murder, cried an ocean and hid behind the churro cart nearby. When my dad came to pick me up off the ground, there was a little puddle of pee from underneath me. It kind of just came out of me, especially since I was smaller and didn't know nothing was wrong and that I was just overreacting and had nothing to be afraid of.

Now that I'm older, I don't scream and cry when I see a spider I just kill it. I don't run away and hide from clowns, I just watch them fold and bend the balloon into a puppy. I don't piss myself when I see an elephant anymore, I adore them and how big their ears are.

Now that I'm older I have other phobias that have replaced the ones I had when I was younger. I'm scared of trusting people. I'm scared of socializing and interacting with other people. I'm terrified of love and showing affection to others. The difference for these phobias is different, especially since I have reasons to remind me why I'm scared and why I hate those things.

I can't trust people, they're always talking about each other behind their backs and then acting as if they loved each other once they're facing each other.

I get anxious and scared when my brother invites his friends over, I don't know how to talk to other people, I don't know what to say and what not to say. People always seem to get offended by the simplest things. I don't know what they like or what they want to talk about, and most of the time I don't even know what they are talking about. I can't go to parties because I don't know how to keep, let alone start, a conversation. I freeze up and start stuttering and I shake.

Showing love and affection to others? No thanks. All of the times I've tried to do that they always reject me, they never accept the fact that I spend my time trying to show them my emotions towards them. My mom decided that my love for her wasn't enough, and just left me without giving me any of my love back. My friends didn't seem to want my love either, since they abused it and abused me. They chewed my love up, spit it back out and ripped me into pieces.

I can't trust, love or even interact with anybody. All these people around me are just reminders on how I can't live without having people talk about me behind their backs, people get offended or bored from me, or they abuse my love or act as if I'm not giving it. I can't live with people who abuse my love and trust, and where I can't even say the simplest thing because I'd bore them or they'd get offended and just leave me anyways. I can't live with all these people around me, so I'll just isolate myself. Keep myself inside and never let myself out.