RECAP: SCARLET WENT TO ENGLISH CLASS.
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I stared for so long, even the teacher noticed. I couldn't help it. It was funny how so many memories came into my mind from just looking at the back of Logan's head.
"Scarlet darling, do you mind sitting down, or are you just here to trade headphones with cocaine?". My teacher said sarcastically. The class laughed. And I saw it all in slow motion. Each student covering their mouths with their hands, some finger pointing, some even taking pictures on their smartphones possibly uploading them on snap chat. A few girls were mimicking my teacher's words. I felt my eyes capturing every moment. Printing pictures in my mind. And I thought to myself, maybe that was how we had memories.
Logan didn't bother turning his head. Not once. My legs began shifting forward and it was like I was being possessed, like I wasn't controlling my own body.
I found my way to Logan's desk and he looked up at me, his dove grey coloured eyes staring into mine. We just looked at each other for a minute or so and I could see the hurt in his eyes, and it gave me the urge to kiss him. I wanted to relieve his pain, to make him forget what I had said to hurt him. I missed him so damn much. Seeing him hurt saddened me. Knowing him for 8 years, I surely knew when he felt down. And that same Logan with the glow on his face most of the time, wasn't there. He looked pale, like he hadn't slept for weeks.
I opened my mouth, but no words managed to leave it. I had no words.
"Hi Scarlet". He said dryly, and I didn't blame him, not for one second.
"Hey Logan Lerman". I joked. I called him that ever since we went to watch the film, 'The Perks Of Being a Wallflower' starring the actor Logan Lerman. He managed a sly smile and it made me feel happy. I realised he had a spare desk beside him.
"So Lerman, can I sit next to you?" I tried to act like we didn't stop being friends. He hesitated and nodded his head repeatedly.
"Uh, yes, yes you can. Yes you can". He replied. I found it cute that he was nervous and I remembered I was so hard on him, I mean we couldn't control who we loved. He probably carried it with him for so long. How could I not notice?
He moved the chair from under the spare desk for me and I felt sad for him. I didn't quite know why exactly. He was always extremely kind to me and it all made sense. The over thought birthday presents, the stares, the compliments. He was practically the only guy who called me beautiful other than my dad.
"I realised you didn't laugh at me like the rest of this lame class and I thank you, honestly". I said.
"You know how I feel about you, I am not going to be a coward and laugh just to fit in to this stupid society". He replied. I felt awkward but appreciative. "And nice jacket"
I looked at the leather jacket and remembered Jason. His beautiful green eyes, his smile, his brownish blonde hair, his everything. But how was I going to tell my best friend who was in love with me that a cute guy gave me the jacket he just complimented. And so I lied.
"Yeah I bought it a few days ago, you know how I love men's clothing". I said trying to giggle it off. He raised his eyebrows in a way of telling me "really?" without using vocal speech. I knew he didn't believe me but I just stayed silent. I didn't want to ruin anything, I wanted him back in my life.
I missed our conversations, our laughs, our good moments and bad ones. I missed talking to him and even though it didn't feel the same, I still trusted him. I've told Logan important things that happened in my life, like my depression. I felt comfortable speaking the truth in front of him and asking him for advice. I loved him so much but not in the way that he did and I felt angry at myself for not being in love with him because he was such a great person. He was always there when I needed him. Literally.
Logan was there when I was going to commit suicide. He was the one who stopped me and that was before my dad knew about my depression. Logan was the one who convinced me to tell my dad after he found out about it. He used to talk to me every night when I couldn't go to sleep and distract me with stories about all the annoying teachers we had at school.
I thought about it really hard. Maybe I was in love with him but I didn't know. Maybe I just didn't want to picture the thought of dating my best friend. Maybe there was more to the friendship we had but I was too afraid to face it. Maybe he was the brave one to stand up to the truth.
After Logan told me he loved me, my anger got in the way of my thoughts. And why was I angry? I didn't even have a right to be, I was being childish. He couldn't hide from the truth no longer so he told me, what was so wrong about being honest with your best friend?
And after all those thoughts arose me, there was no thinking involved in what I had coming. I wrapped my arms around his neck and urged my lips against his.
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Logan or Jason?
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