Barely Breathing

Chapter One: Always a Fight

 I woke up to my mother hovering over me, I hate when she does this. She is always worried if I am going to wake up or not, or if I have eaten or not. She takes being over-protective to the extreme. 

" Hello darling! Are you excited?" she practically chirps in the mornings, I hate it. I sit up and look at her, annoyed that she was watching me sleep again, I have no privacy anymore. 

 Completely ignoring her I head to my door and open it, hinting to the fact I want her to get out. Getting the hint she reluctantly leaves my room with a scowl. " Finally." I whisper as I slam my door closed and lock it. I am so glad I am flying to L.A. today to move in with my father, at least he won't pressure me to eat, or wake up, or leave my room. My father, Brent, he is one of those "young til I die" parents, if you could count him as one. My whole childhood all he did for me was give me money so I could leave house while he got high with his friends. Maybe that's why my mother had an affair and left my father when I was 13. To be completely honest I never cared, they never acted like they loved each other like my friends parents did, or like the people on TV. They ignored each other and me, that's how I like it. Alone. That's why I am moving to Brent's house, he lives to leave me alone.

 I walk towards my closet, slowly going throw my left over wardrobe that I left for me to choose from. I slowly pick out a sweat shirt and a pair of skinny jeans, throwing the other garments into a carry-on bag. I slowly undress in front of my mirror, watching for any rolls or jiggle when I move, for a moment I stop to look at myself in the mirror. "Fat." I say to myself. I look as though I gained weight, I start to have a panic attack as I walkk to the scale in the corner of my room. My mother, Jamie, wouldn't let me pack it, she is convinced that if I don't have a scale I would be more tempted to eat. I'm not. I step onto the device, breathing heavy as it decides my weight. It finally gives me my number, ninety-eight pounds. I release a sigh of relief, a pound less than yesterday. As I dance around my room, celebrating my pound lost, someone knocks on my door. "What?" I scream through my door.

" I brought you some breakfast." I hear my Jamie say. I can't eat, I will gain it back. " I made your favorite baby." she says as she enters my room. She stops and stares at me for a moment, she hasn't seen me almost naked since my last doctors appointment, since then I broken the rules again, losing ten more pounds. If the doctor found out she would put me back in the hospital, back on the feeding tube, it scares me, yet I continue, I look fat.

"Thanks." I say to Jamie as I slide into my sweatshirt, hoping that she won't say anything to me today.

" Have you lost more weight Presley?" she says in a low tone, damn.

"Maybe." I respond back, when Jamie is mad the best thing to do is to respond with one word answers. She feels like she is winning.

"Maybe is not an answer." she snaps back. "Now tell me, have you?" 

I roll my eyes." Yes, I have." she gives me a shocked yet pissed look, her signature facial expression.

"How dare you do that!" she yells. Here we go.

"What do you mean how dare I? What I do has nothing to do with you." I say leaning on my elbows on my bed. I don't show her any emotion.

" It has everything to do with me damn it! I am your mother and your life is in my hands. Do you not understand that this can kill you? Or do you just not care?" she yells. On the outside I look at her completely blank, but on the inside I am laughing. Why would I care? Does she not remember my countless suicide attempts?

" Mom, I am fine! I was a little on the the fat side to I cut back." I smirk.

" How dare you laugh at this? On the fat side! Presley do you not see your bones coming through your skin? Or your hands turning purple? How brittle your bones have become? You have to stop this game! This ends now!" she screams again, by now I have lost all interest.

" What do you want me to do about it mom? It's life." I look away, I hate our talks, I can't wait to be at the air port towards California.

"You are going to eat this, that's what." she says pointing to the tray of food next to me. I laugh.

"Fine, i'll eat it." I say, I pause and point to the door. "Now leave me to eat in peace." 

"No way, I know your tricks, you are just going to throw it out the window, or hide it again. No, today I am going to sit here and watch you eat the whole thing." I swallow hard. Scrambled eggs with cheese (450), Bacon (110), French toast (300).

"I don't need a baby sitter." I say, I wanted to fast again today, to maintain my weight.

"Well apparently you do, and besides I want to make sure you eat before flying all the way to your fathers house." I look at the plate and think, maybe I can just vomit it back up. Swallowing hard I pick up the plate and start eating, it tasted so good, but I wanted it to be bad. After eating half the plate Jamie decided I was fine and left. Unable to stop I ate the whole plate. I felt awful, not because of the food making me sick like real people, no the sickness you feel inside yourself when you are like me. The feeling of total self disgust, of self hatred, of failure. I hated this feeling so much I stopped eating for two weeks, that's when I was placed on the feeding tube for the first time. I was 14 years old and looked like a 7 year old. My family thought I couldn't hear them, but I could, they were saying how I was the product of being young and stupid,  I was sure to die, I was sick, I was demented, a bad influence on the 'youth of our family' well bull shit, I am not a disease like they would love to think so. 

 I walk into the kitchen, my least favorite room in our house, placing my plate into the dishwasher. " Hey kiddo!" I here Scott say behind me. Ah, Scott, my mothers lover, the man who ripped my already screwed up world apart. As much as I felt like I should hate him, I didn't. He was the only sane person in my life, the one I could talk to. The thing about him is that he wouldn't pressure me into things, he would let me slowly grow, unlike my Jamie.

"Hey Scott." I say with a smile. I was going to miss him,, and only him.

"Are you excited to move in with your doodad today?" he says lightly punching me in the arm. I could always see his face change when he touched me, all you could feel were bones. Like the ass wholes [in school would say, I am a skeleton, the walking dead girl of Yakima, Utah. 

" I am." I am returning the  favor.

" Good, I am happy for you, you know?"

" I know you are, it's Jamie that isn't."

" I know your mother can be a pain, but she does it because she loves the hell out of you Presley. You are her life, no matter what." I smile.

" I know." he smiles back.

" Well, lets put your bags in the SUV, we have a plane to catch don't we?"

"Yes we do." I say as I follow him to my room and help him walk the bags to the car. As we finished I sat in the grass looking at my childhood home. I watched Scott go get my mother, I would miss this, maybe even Jamie. She did help give me life, no matter how annoying she is.As they came back I stood up, walking to the door to the backseat or the car. Before entering I look back at the window to my room. I hope I never see it again.