January 31st
Days I have survived: 1062
Dear Roddy,
Your little sister is in love. Something happened between Liam and I last night in the cave and it was just perfect; he told me what had happened to him to make him so bitter, and I told him all about you and Ma. His family had been killed by a hostile attack on his first day in the Omicron shelter, it all happened in front of him as he tried to save them. I can’t imagine how he still functions after seeing something like that. It’s definitely damaged him because he gets really bad nightmares now, but I want to help him with that.
As we were being honest and open with each other and sharing our stories, we kissed, and I know exactly how I feel about him now. It’s love. I know it is. I’ve probably known all along, but I was worried that I was getting a bit ahead of myself since I haven’t known him very long. You’d get on with Liam; he’s strong and stubborn like you, and he practically risks his life to look after me. We haven’t spoken about what happened yet, but he’s awake and I think he’s making our breakfast, so I’m going to go out and have a chat with him now.
Don’t worry, I’m in the safest pair of hands possible other than yours.
P x
Sunlight woke me that morning, and I soon realized that Liam had dug us out from the cave and that the violent snowstorm was over. I smiled to myself as I recalled everything that happened last night and I scrambled out of my sleeping bag so I could join him outside. I couldn't wait to see him.
“Morning,” I smiled blissfully at Liam as he started a fire.
I watched him adding sticks and rubbish to the fire, his body bent right over. He lifted his head a little and gave me a little smile. I knew how it felt to be held by those arms now, how toned his torso was and the comforting warmth of being snuggled right up against him. I shuffled through the snow towards him, wanting to squeeze him from behind and experience that mind melting contact. Just as I reached him he straightened up and stepped away from the fire.
“I say we move camp again today, after breakfast, now that the weather’s good,” he said, turning his back to me.
“Yeah, sure, whatever you think! Um, are you okay?”
“I’m fine.”
He didn’t sound fine. I started to panic that everything last night was just going to be forgotten and pushed out of Liam’s head like it never happened. No. Not now.
“Liam . . . can we talk about what happened last night?”
“Oh, yeah uh, I’m sorry, I never get emotional like that – I think I just got caught in the moment. It won’t happen again.”
He didn’t even look at me. The sharp commanding tone was back in his voice and it was like everything that healed last night was coming undone. I couldn’t say anything to him. It meant the whole world to me that he opened up and showed me some emotion, but it was nothing to him. That kiss, the passion and the overwhelming feelings I sensed from him; surely, it had to mean something?
“It can if you want it to…” I said in a quiet voice, desperate to rekindle the closeness between us from the night before.
“I was all over the place – you caught me on a one off moment of weakness – it wasn’t me.”
No, no, no. Hot tears burned my lower eyelids and I felt mortified at getting shot down like that. I slipped back into the cave without saying anything more to him and curled up into the sleeping bag, trying to cry as quietly as possible. Liam hated it when I cried, he shut down completely and had no idea what to do. I let my eyes leak all over my sleeve and I stifled my sharp breaths with my arm hiding my face, paranoid that he would hear.
