Late Night Love (A Tronler AU)

Happy Little Pill (part one)

(Troye's P.O.V.)

Another rush of tears stumbles down my skin and I hit the trivial surface in front of me with a force I didn't think I was capable of. I am worn out. There is nothing left of me. I have given up. The never ending battle against me has finally managed to stride me down and I find myself lying here on the ground; wounded, dirty, broken.

Sobbing, crying, screaming, and yelling seems to be the only languages I speak and yet I can't find the energy to even think that it's is pathetic. I don't know what to do.

I have lost every passion, every want, every lust, every single burning desire I had within me and to what?

I don't know. That's the difficult thing about this. Not knowing who the enemy is. I can fight and fight with all I have, I can give myself entirely to simply surviving, but I am going to fail. I will never win the battle, despite the never ending effort; wearing me down and robbing me of all the energy that once resided in me.

Because I don't know the enemy. I don't know who to fight.

But with nothing else to do in order to live, I fight. I just fight. And not knowing who to fight, who to kill for me to not be killed; I fight myself.

I kill myself.

I scream. I scream louder than I ever have, for a longer time than I ever have, with more power than I ever have. I slam my clenched fist repeatedly again the now nearly broken table, screaming as if there is nothing left to do.

And maybe there isn't - I feel like I am going insane. I feel trapped inside myself. I am a cage, I have become what everyone with their instincts fear. I am the very opposite of freedom.

And I can't take it. I can no longer do this to myself, to anyone.

I need to get out, I need to just make this stop. I need to escape the monster that is me; I need to escape this cage.

But trust me, I have tried; I go out nearly every day, drinking my destructing pain away in empty bars. I have tried; stumbling on my feet in cobbled streets with the sickening yellow light staring at me, judging me, from up the poles as cold as I. I have tried; pills, drugs, cigarettes.
Happy pills. The only thing coming close to making me escape the reality. But the truth is that they aren't happy at all. They just numb, make you feel nothing, as if you might as well not exist.

Nothing works. It really seems like there's only a single way out that even I am not willing to take just yet. All this war, all this chaos, all this fighting. I am not going to let it go for now. Even if it means that I have to keep on fighting.

And then I realized. I can't escape. I can't be happy. I can't live.

I cannot believe I'm saying this.

But for once in years and years I don't want to be alone.

I can't be alone anymore.

I gather the very last drops of energy and pull myself up from the dirt. I rush my red-eyes self over to my phone lying abandoned on the kitchen table. I breathe and breathe, desperately trying to make my voice sound more of a human being and less of... well. Whatever I am.

I dial the number of the only person I, strangely, want to spend time with right now. I blink the last few tears away, stammering, nervously attempting to figure out what to say when he picks up, if he picks up.

"Hello?" Oh shit what do I do.

Shaking my head one last time I try.

"H-hi." Nice, Troye. So smooth.