Short stories

Thoughts....

I'm laying here, staring at my journal, wondering what I should write in it...

Should I write about how hot it was today or how I was suppose to go walking but had to cancel because of the rain? Should I write about how the air conditioner wasn't working at work and how warm it was in the office? Maybe I should write how I popped my wrist and instead of hurting, it relieved the tension? Or should I write about the upcoming wedding for my cousin is this Saturday and im hoping that he can go?

Should I write about how tired I was, and how I didn't get much sleep last night? Should I write how I was too busy watching the movies I got off his hard drive and how im excitedly waiting to get more? Should I write about how the yogurt in the fridge is tempting me so much? Should I write how ive eaten more pumpkin pie than ever just this year alone?

And still now, I can't really figure out what to write in my journal. The possibilities are endless...

Maybe I should write about how I felt when he dropped me home and how he drove off without a good-bye. Or should I write about how I felt on the ride home, and how sad I was that for some reason again, he was mad at me? Should I write about how I was so worried when he didn't call me to say he was home safe and sound? Should I write about how I haven't heard anything from him all day and that im trying to resist calling him and just wait till he is ready to talk to me?

The words form in my mind, but it pains too much to write it on paper...

Should I write about how forgotten I feel most of the time? Should I write about the uncertainties I feel, the inability to relax and enjoy life, the insecurity that cloaks my very existence? Should I write about the pain I feel in my heart and the tears ive cried today just thinking of him? Should I write how lonely I am, wishing I could I have the courage to just take my life? Should I write about how the insanities, pulling at the dark recesses of my mind, are making me go crazy and yet everyone thinks I am sane? Should I write about how I still have my scars, inside and out, reminding me of what I am?

Maybe I should write about the future? About the kids I dream of having, and the life I want to live? Maybe I should write about the fear I have that soon growing up wont be an option when responsibilities set in?

But what am I thinking of? I should be writing about how much I love him, of how happy I am with him even though we fight a lot. I should write about how I am learning to trust again, of how my life is a lot brighter these days. I shouldn't write all the dreary things. But that is what makes me, me.

I pick up my pen, my thoughts structuring themselves in my mind, ready to jot it down onto my book...

It makes me sad to know that the things I write about can never be shared. It makes me sad to know I love too deeply and that I attach myself too easily. It makes me sad that people come and go into my life as easily as it is to blow out the flame of a candle. It saddens me to know that life isn't that entirely great all the time despite the happy moments and the memories made and remembered. It saddens me to know that where there comes happiness, unhappiness trails after. It saddens me to know that he can leave me anytime and take all my will to live and reason for living. It saddens me to know betrayal, abandonment, and deception. I know how it feels to be stabbed in the back and to stab one in their back. I know the pain of losing people precious to me. I know fear, and I know hate.

And so I position my pen tip on the first line... and I begin to write...