Over Again

❝i will give you all my heart❞

❝i will give you all my heart❞

c h a p t e r    n i n e





      "You're leaving?" Louis demanded, almost yelling.

      "Lou, please," I whispered, trying to get him to quiet down. The other guys were still sleeping. Maybe it was cowardly, but I had hoped to leave before they woke up, so I didn't have to deal with their responses. I had almost made it. I had just finished writing a note when Louis came out of his room and saw me. I played with the strap of my bag and shot him a pleading look. "I can't stay."

      "Yes you can! We want you to!" he examined, barely making an effort to keep his voice down.

      "It hurts, okay?" I said, looking away.

      "It's not your fault, Sarah," Louis told me, finally lowering his voice.

      I shook my head. "Okay," I said, deciding not to argue with him since hat wouldn't help.

      He shot me a flat look. 'You don't believe me." The thing was, I wasn't sure whether or not I believed him. I was the one who had convinced them all to lie to him. They thought it was because I didn't want Niall to be confused. That was a large part of it, yeah, but it was also because I was scared. Terrified that he would blame me for the accident like Ashleigh did and pick her over me. It was stupid and petty, but the fear was daunting.

      It'd hurt so much if that happened.

      My phone buzzed, saving me from having to answer. 'I gotta go, my mom's waiting."

      "Sarah, you can't!" He was back to yelling now. If he kept this up, he would end up waking one of the guys. I was surprised none of them were already awake. They couldn't all be heavy sleepers like Niall, right?

      Don't think about him, Sarah, I reminded myself. Easier said than done, because at that moment, one of the doors opened and a sleepy Niall stepped out of his room, looking annoyed.

      'What are you guys yelling about?" he asked, rubbing his eyes. His jut-woke-up voice was so familiar. Not like that, but because sometimes, thanks to the time differences, we ended up Skyping just after he woke up. He pulled his hands away, blinking slowly, probably another waiting for his eyes to adjust to the light or trying to process the scene in front of him. Me, with a fully packed duffel bag, awkward expression and note in hand. Louis, still in his pajamas, looking part worried, part frustrated.

      He got it a couple seconds later. "You're leaving?" A strange, almost blank expression crossed his face. I couldn't tell is he was upset, relieved, angry. He looked a little sad, but that might have just been wishful thinking. "Why?"

      I hesitated. I couldn't exactly say I was leaving because of him, because it hurt that he hated me, though I was pretty sure it was obvious and not really difficult to guess. "I don't really have a reason to stay." Louis shot me a hurt look, so I quickly added more. "I'll only get in your way."

      Niall shook his head. 'You shouldn't go, Sarah."

      What? Did that mean he cared? Or remembered? Louis, who probably had the same thought as me, turned to stare at him. "You can't just yell at her one day and care the next!" he exclaimed, sounding annoyed. Or maybe he wasn't thinking the same thing I was.

      "I'm trying to help you! You want her to stay, don't you?" Niall asked, shooting Louis an incredulous look. Ouch. So he didn't remember or care. He was just doing it for Louis. "Why are you so mad?"

      "You act like she's trying to ruin your life when she's trying to do what's best for you!" Louis yelled. Oh my god. Were they fighting? Because of me? No, no, no, no, no! They never fought! At least not seriously. They fought over things like who got to win the biggest on a poster for a fan, or what prank to play on Paul when they got bored, and forgave each other within half a day. They didn't fight like this. God, what am I doing to them?

      "Maybe if you hadn't all lied to me, I'd believe that," Niall said. His cold tone yanked me out of my shocked state.

      "Guys stop, you never fight. Don't start now, please," I cut in before Louis could reply. "Stop blaming each other, it's my fault."

      Louis let out an exasperated sigh. "No, it-"

      I ignored him. "I'm leaving. I'll be out of your lives for good. You can move on from this." It hurt to choke the words out, but I had already hurt them ten times more.

      "Sarah-!" Louis started.

      I shook my head. "It's for the best."

      This apparently made Louis snap. "If you really believe that, fine. I guess none of us can make you stay other than Prince Charming over there." He glared at both of us, then spun around and walked to his room, slamming the door shut behind him.

      I bit the inside of my cheek, hard, to stop tears from welling up in my eyes. You can cry later Sarah, just get out of here. I told myself. I closed my eyes, drawing in a shaky breath. When I opened my eyes, Niall was watching me, still with that unreadable expression on his face. "I should go," I said. If the guys hadn't been woken up by all our shouting, the echoing thud from Louis slamming shut the door had probably done the job. "Please just forgive the guys, okay?" I turned away from him and pulled the door open.

      I didn't look back when I walked out, though I really wanted to. A part of me was stupidly disappointed when I made it to the elevator. I don't know why I thought, even for a second, that one of me would chase after me. It was a silly hope, blooming from all those Hollywood love movies. I shook my head and blinked back tears, jabbing the 'down' button. I glanced back down the hall. A closed door. Thankfully, the elevator arrived before I gave into the urge of going back.

      What were you expecting? You hurt them. I dug my nails into my palms and heard a quiet rustling. I glanced down to see a crumpled note in my hand. I never got to tell Harry, and Liam, and Zayn goodbye, I realized. But maybe it's better that way.

      I kept my head down, staring at the floor between my feet so the other people in the elevator wouldn't see the tears in my eyes. My head was still down as I walked across the lobby. Mom was waiting at the curb, in the car since it was raining. She didn't ask me if I was okay when I got in the car, just gave me a small, sad smile.

      Her words came back to me, then, from two weeks ago. Just be prepared to live with the consequences, she had said, like she has known this would happen. Then again, it wasn't like it was so much of a surprise. I should've realized that all this wouldn't end well. That it would end in disaster.

      Now I had to live with it.


♡over again♡


      It was only a couple hours later that the phone rang. I had spent the morning and most of the afternoon distracting myself, cleaning my room, reading my favourite books, small things like that. Anything to keep my mind off what had happened.

      "Sarah, it's for you!" Mom called from the kitchen, her voice slightly muffled since I was upstairs. I put down my book and reached over to grab the phone in my room.

      I practiced a greeting before answering to make sure my voice didn't shake or sound raspy. "Hello?"

      A familiar voice came from the other end. "Sarah?"

      I blinked. "Louis?" Wasn't he supposed to be mad at me? He was supposed to be ignoring me, right?

      "Niall's gone," he said.

      "What?"

      "No one knows where he is. No one's seen him since this morning. He hasn't gone anywhere, there's no restaurant, or hotel, or plane tickets or anything on his credit card and he left his phone so we can't use it to track him. He's just disappeared," Louis explained, words rushed so much they almost slurred together.

      My breath caught. "Like he was kidnapped?"

      "No. He left a note. But he's been gone for hours."

      I didn't reply. Why would Niall leave? Could what had happened this morning have possibly made him upset enough to leave or something? Except why would he care? He hated me.

      "I know you don't want to see us right now, but you're the only person I can think of who might know where he is," Louis said. There was only one place I could think of that the guys wouldn't check. They wouldn't know to check.

      "Okay, I'll look for him." It was obvious the guys were crazy worried. Louis sounded almost desperate.

      "Thanks," Louis replied. I hung up and shoved my phone in my pocket, running downstairs.

      "Mom, I'm borrowing your keys," I called to her, grabbing the said keys from the kitchen table. I slipped into my sneakers, then walked out to the car. This would be my first time driving since the accident.

      Nothing happened. I was preoccupied with thinking about Niall and the band and it was a short drive, so I didn't really have the time to be nervous. I pulled into the parking garage, and stopped at the entrance, tossing the keys to the valet. People probably looked at me strangely as I squeezed past them in the lobby, but I didn't really notice, much less care.

      It seemed to take forever for the elevator to reach the top floor. There wasn't anyone around when I stepped off. Which meant the band and their security team had already checked the floor. What they probably didn't notice though, was the plain metal door at the end of the hallway. Or maybe they did notice it and just thought it was a fire escape or something. I left the door open so light from the hallway could flood in, the stairs were a little rough and pretty steep.

      I checked the door at the top of the stairs. Locked. I had a feeling it wasn't because Dad had finally decided going on the roof wasn't safe. I walked down to my room and slipped in, closing the door behind me. I moved to the window and leaned out. The rope ladder was still there. It looked stable enough; the knot on the top of the roof was probably still tight. But it would be my first time climbing up instead of down. If Niall was on the roof, though, it'd be worth it.

      I placed a foot on the window sill and pushed myself up so I was sitting on the window frame with my legs dangling beside the ladder. You can do this, Sarah, I told myself as I grasped the ropes. I pulled myself up and slowly shifted to the other side. Okay, hard part done. Just climb up now. I carefully inched up the ladder until I reached the top.

      Niall was there. I could see him sitting on the other side of the roof, his back to me.

      "The guys are worried about you," I said, walking towards him. I stopped beside the locked door, unsure of whether or not he was still mad at me.

      He didn't turn around. "I said something like that to you the first time we met."

      I didn't let my hopes get up. "You sure about that?" I asked quietly. Quietly enough that I was surprised he heard me.

      He nodded, finally turning around. There was a sad, almost haunted look on his face. "I got these flashes, like it had happened, and you were there. I thought it was just because you told me the story," he said. "Then there came stuff you hadn't told me."

      "That was how we met," I told him, even thought he probably already knew if he remembered correctly.

      He was silent for a moment. "How much did it hurt when I didn't know?" I almost laughed. It would never stop, him surprising me by saying something completely different from what I thought he would.

      "A lot," I admitted.

      "You really care about the guys don't you?" he asked, changing the subject.

      I nodded.

      "Why?"

      I shrugged. "They're some of my closest friends. They're your best friends," I reminded him.

      "Everyone told me you lied for me." He said it kind of matter-of-factly, like a statement he was waiting for me to confirm. But I couldn't, I hesitated. I wanted to, I think it would make everything better, everything okay. Except, I would be lying, to make myself look good, and I don't think that made me any better than Ashleigh and he broken promise to Niall.

      So I shook my head. "That was part of it. But I was scared."

      He looked confused now. Which I guess was a step up from how sad he had looked before. "Scared of what?"

      "I thought you would hate me. Blame me for the accident."

      "But it wasn't your fault," he said. I just shrugged in response, looking away. Maybe he hadn't remembered what had happened yet. The exact moments before I hit the pole. Niall sighed. "I don't think I could hate you. Even if I wanted to."

      "Did you?" I couldn't help asking, I was curious.

      "I think I did. I was so confused about everything I was starting to remember," he told me. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "There's just so much I don't understand."

      I stared at him, then shook my head, remembering why I had came here in the first place. Not to reminisce, to make everything okay with the band. "You don't have to understand. Just forgive the guys, and I'll be out of your life."

      "But I don't want you out of my life," Niall said. I froze, and if it had been possible, I think my heart stopped. He stood up, walking towards me. "I kept getting memories, and feelings. And I just kept asking why, when it seemed so much like you didn't care."

      I closed my eyes, so I wouldn't see his face. So I wouldn't end up hurt again by this boy. This amazing, heartbreaking, dorky boy I loved, but had hurt, probably just as much as he had -unknowingly- hurt me, if not more. "You're doing this for the guys."

      "No. I care," he said, and I could feel his breath brush across my face, feel the warmth from his body. He was close, so close. "Come back, Sarah. Please, help me remember." Then I did something stupid. But I didn't regret it.

      I kissed him. It tasted like tears, and the past, and it felt like goodbye. But at the same time, it was sweet, and it felt like something new.

      It felt like us starting all over again.