goner. // h2ovanoss

2.

Jonathan's POV

My eyes open up, bloodshot and burning. I bring my hand up to wipe away the tears that began to form in the corner of my eyes.

Just when I thought I was getting better...

Looking around my room, I notice it's still an eerie pitch black. My eyes roam to my phone that laid on my bedside table, ringing with Twitter notifications and useless things that I don't care about. I take it into my hands and look at the clock. The light from the screen burns my eyes.

4:27 am.

I groan, flopping back onto my pillow as I close my eyes. There is no use trying to fall back asleep. Even if a miracle happens, I still wouldn't be able to drift away into a state of sleep. I might as well just get up and take a shower or something before school...
I sit up, swinging my legs over to the edge of my bed. Random articles of clothing are spread across floor, papers from school and information about colleges that I thought about going to thrown around on my desk. I might as well be living in a dump.

Note to self: clean your damn room.

Now that I think about it, I pretty much am living in a dump, as much as I hate to say it. My dad didn't care about the cracks in the walls, how small the house itself was. As long as it was cheap and affordable, he would buy it. And so he did.

Dragging my feet to the cold tile floor in the bathroom, I flick on the light, close the door, and undress. I don't want to look in the mirror that I stand in front of, but I do anyway.
My eyes are dead and lidded with dark circles underneath them. Hair a scraggly mess, punting in different directions.
As I continue to stare at myself, the only word I can think of is "disgusting". It's just another daily ritual that decreases my confidence each day. It hurts to look but I can't keep myself from not looking.

I finally peel my eyes off my reflection and step into the bath tub, turning the knobs until I got a water temperature I was happy with. Running the soap over my body, my fingers brush against the little reoccurring pattern of pale horizontal lines down my arms. The scars take myself back to the time when I put them on my body, when I marked myself. I still feel the same as I did three weeks ago when I decided to make that decision...

I'm so pathetic.

----

I swing my backpack over my shoulder, making a mental check of wether I got all the stuff I would need for the day.

"Dad, im leaving." I yell as I'm about to step out the door. After a few moments of waiting in silence, there is no reply.

Probably hungover again, no surprise.

I make my way down the porch steps and onto the slush covered sidewalk. The snow from a couple days ago still remain but it won't be here any longer and will disappear before I know it. I've always liked Winter. It's the one season where you have an excuse to constantly wear long sleeves, even if it's warm inside.

I turn onto another road, the stop sign only about a minute away of I keep a steady pace. My eyes stare down to make sure my feet don't step on any cracks of the sidewalk. If I step on them, even a little bit, I'll have to start all over. And if that happens, I'll probably miss the bus for the 3rd time this week, which will break my schedule.

I finally reach my bus stop, a sigh escaping my lips. My lungs breathe in the scent of pine and I finally have time to stop and think.

Okay, how many hours of sleep did I get last night? ...I went to bed at 10 like normal, so why do I feel so drained??? I must have done something wrong. Something's not right. I took a shower this morning, same time as usual, got done on time, ate breakfast... did I take my meds? Shit, I didn't. No, no, no. God, I forgot to take my meds. How could I forget that? It's the same thing every single day, how could I forget to take my medicine? Now everything's not going to go right. Everything is going to be out of order, nothing is going to feel right, I'll probably never get back on track, and ugghh my brain is going to explode.

I didn't notice the school bus pull up in front of me until I was broken from my aching thoughts. Once I was brought back down to reality, I stepped onto the bus, sitting in my usual seat in the very back. Nobody ever sits in the back except for me. I always feel distanced from everyone, just how I like it. It gives me time to think and plan out how my day will go.

I sigh and lean back in my seat.

Nothing is going to right today. I can feel it.

   

// AN:

Hey. Yeah, I know. It's been a while.

A long while actually.

I just had to step away from fixing chapters for a while. I didn't know what I was doing and idk. I just wasn't happy with writing. I also took the time to actually draw and try to improve, so this little break has actually been good.

Other than that, I actually joined a new fandom and became obsessed with it.

It's an otome game (game geared towards a female audience, aka, a dating simulator) called Mystic Messenger and if you didn't know this already, I watch a little bit of anime and idk I just stumbled across a post about MysMe on tumblr and I was like

??? An otome game? That's free? And actually had a good plot/characters? And is also an app on my phone????

hook. me. up.

It's different from other otome games which is what I like. Instead of just the usual visual novel mode, it's set up like a messenger app so you can call and text the characters which is. Just. So amazing ?????

I wrote a book about it (not even a book lmao) called Mystic Messenger Confessions.

So if your into MysMe, go check that shit out man. The confessions people send me are 👌👌👌👌👌👌👌👌👌👌

But yeah. That's all I had to say. Sorry for not updating for a (very) long time but hey, I drew lots of h2ovanoss fanart, so there that ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

And if you're reading this, thanks for sticking with me all this time...💖

-Syd //