To The Girl Who Keeps Everything

for you.

To The Girl Who Keeps Everything

Hello Cous,

Do you remember those days when you used to roll your eyes at me because you were jealous of her? You were mad at us because I was always with her and you felt like I had favouritism. You felt like I prefer her than you. You were this little bitch who always fought like a cat because she was jealous of someone. You were just a little girl back then.

I remember the time you came to me and said someone was waiting for you at the end of the street. You came to me and asked if I could do anything. I remember you hiding behind me because you trusted me that I wouldn't let anyone hurt you. I was your shield. You thought I was your armour ready to protect you from anything harm. You were that little chubby girl that time.

Remember the time we fought on Facebook? You messaged me and it escalated quickly because we started cussing at each other. And because of that we ignored each other. We didn't talk for a long time. We were awkward when we see each other every time.

And then we grew. Your parents were both working abroad and you lived with your grandma, aunts and uncles, and your little brother. You used to ask me once in a while if I could help you with your home works. We weren't really talking back then. We were strangers to each other.

And then my mom went home because she was working abroad too. She was working with your mom. My mom was your godmother and you went to our house to welcome her and we had this conversation. And it started there. We were neighbors, just one house apart, and we talked and talked and talked until we became close again. I didn't know what to feel that time.

Do you even remember when we became really close? It just happened, wasn't it? I just realized I'm literally your best friend. You tell me everything. Everything that happens at your school and to your crush. You also tell me about your escapades with your friends. You introduced me to them. You also tell me that you talk about me all the time. That you tell them I'm your best friend.

Remember the time you were out with your friends to go swimming? I knew that. I didn't stop you because I wanted you to have fun although I knew you'd be dead if your mom caught you. She was already home that time. You've been grounded because you got caught. They took your phone and grounded you. You couldn't open your social media accounts and they had your passwords. I'm sorry I told you to go. But you had fun, didn't you?

You're my biggest fan out there. You read all of the stories I've written. Since from the start to this time. I remember the time you knocked on the door, crying, because of my story. You are so sensitive when the topic is about your dad and I feel the same with my mom. You whined at me when I did something to my characters you didn't like. You voted and commented on every chapter as much as you can. And I never told you but I feel so happy when I can see in your eyes that the emotions are really there and you like it truthfully. I never told you but that makes me happy.

I remember all those nights I spent talking about my favorite band and I turned you into a fan. I also told you about the fan fictions I've read and you were listening intently to me. You liked every single thing of it. Your glee was always there when I showed you something related to our favorite band and our ship. I loved those moments with you because you were laughing.

I remember those times your mom would hit you in front of me. I wanted to do something but I couldn't make a move because I was scared. She was your mom. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I didn't do anything. I'm sorry I let her. I'm sorry you had to take it all in. I'm sorry you had to cry. I'm sorry, baby.

I know it hurts. Not physically but emotionally. I can see the bruises and scratches on your skin. Your right eyebrow had bled when it was hit. I'm sorry you have those. I'm sorry you couldn't fight back. I'm sorry I couldn't do anything.

And tonight I lost it. I lost it, babe. It was too much. I was about to stop her but I was back to being coward. I'm so sorry. Sorry you had to feel the pricks on your thigh. I'm sorry for all the pain you've felt. I wish I could hug you and all of it would be gone. I cried. I excused myself to go home to talk to my mom but I didn't really talk to her. I cried at home because I hated it. I didn't like seeing you cry. I heard your pleas.

But can I ask you something?

Don't hate her. She's your mom. Don't put it in the bottle and explode one day. I don't want you to keep everything. Don't ever pretend nothing happened because it hurts me and it hurts you too. Don't fake a smile because it doesn't look pretty. Just tell it to me. Everything. All of it.

Please don't think so low of yourself. I don't know what's running in your mind and you have me to let it out. Don't hide it because it'll hurt too much until it clouds your mind and I'm telling you, the feeling is not pleasant.

Don't ever think you're not worth of loving. I love you, do you even know that? I'm fucking crying right now because I love you so much. I wanted to hug you earlier when I came back and you were laughing and talking to me like nothing happened.

You. Fucking. Pretender.

You're this bubbly girl and don't ever change. You laugh is beautiful even if people thinks it's annoying. You smile is bright even though your teeth are crooked. You're worth it. You're beautiful, okay? Don't ever think you're not. You're so good at everything you do in your school. I admire your imagination when you're designing something. I'm so proud of you when you got a Top in your class. You're amazing, sweetie!

If you ever feel alone just remember I'm always here. I'm just one house away and you can tell me everything. You can cry your eyes out and I won't even tell anyone. You can ask me about your home works all the time just to have an excuse to see each other. We can lots of ice cream until you get better even if I have colds.

If you ever feel unloved, unworthy, and unimportant, just remember I exist.

I fucking care about you so much although I don't say it and express it truly but I know you know it. I love you so much you have no idea. It's already 2:16 AM and I'm still thinking about you. I'm here if you don't have someone to hold on. I'm here if you doubt no one will listen. I'm also here if you think everyone in the world hates you. I just love you. I love you, I love you and I love you.

You're such a strong girl. Don't lose your light. I'll help you get through it. Just ask for me. Just come to me. We will go back to that time when you hid behind my back because you thought I could protect you from your enemy. We can do that again.

I can be brave, sweetie. For you.

Why, you ask? Simply, because I love you.

I love you that's why I wrote this. I love you so much. Everything will be alright. You'll be fine. I know it and I know you can do it, too. I'm sorry I'm a sap babbling little shit but I love you so much. :)

Love,

AR.