Shut Up and Love Me- A Septiplier Fanfiction

What I'd Miss

Jack's POV:

I pulled my hat over my ears, and vainly tried to rub my hands together for warmth. On days like these, it would be best slept through with a good cup of coffee and a game. But, I enjoyed winter too much to miss it.

I looked ahead at the frozen lake. The light from the covered sun reflected amongst fallen snow, creating sparkles that shimmered and danced. A smile played upon my lips as I continued to watch and observe all that was there, all that I could have missed. A moment ago it was still dawn, and the sun was barely inching up over the horizon, it's dazzling colors replacing the once cold night. I had always enjoyed the sunrise, but now it seemed especially important to me.

It was odd to think a few days ago I was dreading life, not even beginning to think about all that was actually there.

I could have been dead.

I could have missed staring one last time at beautifully silent streets, blanketed with white. I could have missed this moment now, contemplating everything I had done. Never once thinking that begging question.

It's not that I had gotten over the pain that ate at me, the self hatred that dominated me entirely, but more that I had come to standards in which I could be better. That cold, lonely night just a couple of days ago had changed a very large part of me. I still felt what I had then, but I was slowly figuring out how I could help myself. Moving on was a chapter in my life I eagerly awaited.

I've now come to terms with knowing that in no way would I be able to move forward without getting help, no matter how hard I tried to do it on my own. No, I hadn't reached out to my fans about this, and no, I hadn't even told my dearest friends. Thinking about it now if I had, I most likely wouldn't be peering over the balcony that lonely night, but recovering. Since then, I of course still had breakdowns, I still felt pain. But I had changed, and I actually thought for once I could get better.

The first thing I planned on doing was telling Mark. Maybe not in full detail, but at least explaining to him what I was going through. After that stupid phone call, he wouldn't stop bugging me. Sending me "Are you doing okay buddy?" texts and voicemails, countless "How are you doing?" chats and me having to reassure him over and over that I was fine. Even if it was a lie. He clearly was worried out of his mind, and he needed to be the first I told. It was going to be damn hard, but I believed I could do it. I thanked him for saving me then, although he didn't exactly do anything.

More importantly, I knew that if I had decided to leave the earth then, I would miss him the most. His laugh, his eyes, his smile. Damn, that smile. I couldn't even believe I hadn't thought about that beforehand, even though he was always on my mind. Jeez, sometimes I would be so wrapped up in thinking about him I forgot what hating myself felt like. Even if it was just a moment in time.

I thought for the longest time that self-loathing was a normal thing, and I even began persuading myself that what I was going through was, in fact, a "normal thing" too. Even though, clearly it wasn't. Of course everyone feels some sort of self-hate when their confidence is low, but for my case, it was constant. A battle in which only one side could win. Luckily, I was still fighting, even when I was ready to give up and let it devour me.

It was strange to think so many of my fans were going through this at the same time as me. I wished I could tell them why I was so drained, but I couldn't bring myself to. They all cared so much for me, and if they found out it would crush them. Most of them now had completely caught on, and were starting to question me. Believe me, they did that a lot. I loved my fans to death, and even to think about giving that up all in one night made me want to hide in shame. They were so brave. Braver than I could ever be.

I was so ready to move on. I wanted to forget what happened, and not let it claim me like I had. I hoped that I could do that all with Mark, his hand intertwined with mine every step of the way. 

I had a weird, tingly sensation that maybe that would be true. I chuckled at that thought, shaking my head at my own stupidity. For some reason, that feeling didn't settle. While I walked home to my apartment, I just couldn't shake it. I had no clue what the future had in store for me, but God, I hoped then more than ever it would have something, anything to do to Mark. And oddly, I had a powerful, almost overwhelming feeling that it would. And damn, it felt good.