Is There Somewhere

1/1:: Is There Somewhere.

:Based loosely on the lyrics to Is There Somewhere, by Halsey.
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"Connor. Connor, will you get down from there?" I rolled my eyes as I fought back the laughter.

You looked so silly dancing up on that table, twisting all around with your tube socks - the white ones with the red stripes? - pulled up nearly to your knees - that night in the hotel room. You looked at me with those flashing eyes and I could feel myself slipping. "Seriously, Connor. We've got work to do."

"Okay, okay," you said, stepping down. "How much time do we have?" Biting my lower lip, I looked over toward where Mike was standing with the camera crew, he had his clipboard in hand, probably working out some technical stuff.

"Um...I'd say probably about five minutes." With a sigh, you took a seat next to me on the floor against the foot of the bed. A beat of silence passed before you looked at me with that crooked smile and mischievous glint in your eye. "What?" You leaned over to your right and I couldn't tell what you were doing.

When you emerged, you were holding it between your fingertips, in the other hand was a lighter. You lit it up and took a long puff. I saw the tension leave your body as you sunk further down into the floor.
"C'mon, Con, hand it over." After one last drag, you held up a hand and I gently took it from between your fingers. You said, "Puff puff pass." I laughed dryly as you rested you head upon my shoulder, and put my free hand at the nape of your neck to keep it there.

I felt my eyes flutter shut as the smoke eased its way into my lungs. I let out a deep breath and could sense that you had exhaled with me. "Kiss me," I whispered, heavily sedated. You always had that effect on me. I just wanted to feel your lips against my skin. You pressed your tangerine like lips against my bare shoulder and my skin erupted in goosebumps.

You worked your way up my neck and kissed my jawline and it sent my body trembling.

"Perfect. But maybe you two could save it for the next take." I lazily opened my eyes to see Mike standing over us. I knew that it meant it was time for us to get back to work.

Now on the bed, you lied on your back and I climbed on top of you. Mike went to sit in his director's chair. He yelled "Lights!" The bright lights illuminated the already dimly lit room, and we were overexposed. I looked down at you and watched you breathing. Your body in stark contrast against the optic white sheets.

"Camera!" You looked up at me and I could see the hope which had kept me alive hidden deep within your eyes, buried by our circumstances. "Babe," you said breathless, "This is right where it all starts. Your about to get your break." I smiled at your words, shaking my head in doubt, unsure of whether to take your declaration for faith or naïvety.

"You say that every time." "And every time we get a little bit closer, don't we?" You gave my hips a squeeze.

"Action!" I reminded myself of Mike's advice then, just like I did every time I lied down with you. Try not to get too attached. That day, that first day was the day I'd had my heart broken by you. From that moment forward, I made a vow that I wouldn't let you complete me, I wouldn't let you alone determine my self worth, still, you always managed to tip the scale...one way or the other.

I knew that this was just another night, another cut, another paycheck, and I knew that once it was over, you wouldn't stay. You would sever yourself from me to go out and chase death, you were always hot on her heels.

I knew, and I was right.

I sat up until three AM stressed out. All I could manage to do was to cry and complain. Second best just wasn't the same. Where were you? What or who were you out doing? You never let me come with you, and my imagination made me sick.