At Fault

Insufferable

Chapter two: Insufferable

"Takahiro..." Usagi whispered slightly. But I already knew who was there. I could feel the fear build up inside me instantly. I wanted to turn my head to face my brother but, as a coward, I hung my head and only faced the ground. Usagi slowly let go of his tight grasp he had around me. His hand was around my wrist, so he knew how my heart beat had risen dangerously high in just this moment. Usagi nudged me slightly and I finally faced my brother at the door. His eyes were shocked and pained but his mouth was drawn to a tight line. The silence between all of us was probably only seconds, but it felt like eternity.
He lead me out of the building to his car. I wanted to say something to him, but there was nothing I could think of. There was nothing to say anymore. We drove down roads in nothing but silence. It started to feel like forever as I watched the streets pass. Even though he didn't tell me where we were going, I could already tell it wasn't to his work. Before I knew it, we were in front of the building where my brother's own apartment was.

We walked into his home still not speaking a word to each other. His wife, Manami, sat at the table reading and was surprised seeing us entering the home.
"Takahiro... What are you and Misaki doing here? Weren't you coming home in 3 days after your work was done?" She questioned as we walked past the table.
"Something came up." Was all he said to her. He gestured for me to sit on the couch in the other room while he talked to his her.
I don't know what he said to her or how she responded to whatever he said, all I know was that it took only two minutes and then Takahiro had shown up and sat on the chair opposite the couch. He looked stressed and worn as he looked at me thinking of what to say next. All I could do was sit-up properly and wait for what he could say. He took a deep breath and then exhaled slowly, which made me tense-up. I never really saw him this way, and it pained me to know that it was my fault he looked like that. It was my fault we were in this situation at all.
"How long?" Was the first thing he said to me. How long, clearly meaning how long Usagi and I were together.
"Since I got into college I guess..." I answered trailing off. I couldn't exactly tell him it was right after he announced his engagement. As I said this, all he did was sit and process my answer.
"Why Usami?" He asked. I could tell he purposely used Usagi's proper name, as if to sound like they were never friends.
I lowered my head, "It just, happened. We spent time together and before I knew it... I started to love him. And he loves me."
I couldn't begin to imagine what my brother was thinking at that moment. His best friend and his brother, love each other and for a long time without his knowledge. It wasn't a scandal that happened behind his back, it was me who refused to tell him. It was this that I feared would happen.
"I can't accept this." He started, "I can't accept the fact that my brother is gay, my friend is gay, and they're both together. I cannot accept that you, Misaki, who I raised when mom and dad died, had grown up to be that." That, as if who I was repulsed him. "I must've failed to raise you correctly..." Takahiro grieved to himself. "That's not true-!" I tried protesting. But it wasn't my place to talk out against him.
"You're just confused, Misaki, you know that right? You'll find a pretty girl one day who will change your mind. I know it." I wanted to lash back but I couldn't find the strength. I just sat and took each blow. It really wasn't my place to say anything. "You're wrong though, I love Usagi and I always will." Yet the words couldn't come out of my mouth. I wished more to tell Usagi those words. If I could,he'd then hold me like he always did and tell me that everything's okay. "Misaki," my brother said getting back my attention, "I think it's best that you live here with us from now on. I don't want you living with or being with Usami any longer." And at that moment I couldn't take it any more. "You can't do that!" I yelled out standing up, "It's not right just because you can't accept us!" I could feel tears start to sting my eyes but I blinked them away. "Misaki, although I am your brother, I am also your parental figure and what I rule is best for you, you must follow that." I wanted to yell. I wanted to cry. But I couldn't find anything to say at that moment. I was powerless. All I did was sit back down on the couch. I couldn't look at my brother again. "You'll stay in the guest room tonight, then tomorrow I'll go back and get your things from Usami's apartment." He stated while standing up from the chair. "Wait! Let me come too please. Let me talk to Usagi..." I pleaded. He wanted to say no, but I could tell I looked desperate and that was enough to have my brother agree. I would talk to Usagi, but what would I say to him?
The rest of the night I spent thinking about what I would say to him. I'm sorry, it's all my fault was all that came to mind. It was all my fault... I was so careless. I knew how Usagi acted and yet I did nothing. It made me upset and frustrated. Why did this have to happen?
I couldn't sleep at all. It was not my room. Not the home that I knew. It felt so foreign to me. I just buried my face into the pillow and cried the rest of the night. Usagi wasn't there to make me feel better. My brother, who now was probably disgusted by me, wasn't there. I was alone.