The Singe Rigmarole [ON HOLD]

Chapitre 1: The Prince's Despair

 I'm not exactly sure why I decided to animal-snatch this baboon. There are many more useful things I can do with my time. For instance, bake a chocolate Bavarian cheesecake with peanut brittle topping or reform my princely position and rise above the common peasants and simpletons like my primate prisoner; making them quake with fear in my shadow. However, most importantly, I favour sneaking into the wine cellar of my old home; my palace, to drink casks of spiced wine and munch upon butter cookies with my cute sunflower button, Lilou. 

Lilou...

Not exactly a princess. I lied to my family that she was a princess from the Alps and that they'd never heard of her; mainly because we've never been to the Alps. She may have royal blood, Lilou does. She told me herself that her mother's sister's friend of a friend's cousin's son’s imaginary friend’s friend worked for my family as the royal sous-chef before throwing his sanity into the moat below. And yet, she is gone; taken away from me from my own squire because of my terrible ability to gamble and my sexually aggressive behaviour when I drink spiced wine. Oh, the laughs!

Now, what am I? I am merely a powerless, pathetic man with a heavy sword and a heavy heart who is now an uncle to his former lover’s eight children who all assemble either her or my genetically-damned squire (There is no hope for the man’s appearance-I pinky swear). 

But I can defeat my sorrows somehow – munching butter cookies always seemed to help.  I shall be able to acquire enough profit from this monkey by selling him in the market hexagon in the next kingdom. The foul stench of the meat and fish markets as well as those putrid lilac flower stalls are bound to cover up the smell of his disgusting cumquat clothes soaked in the heady juices of the mid-September jelly downpour. 

The next kingdom is further than I thought it would be but it is because I had never ventured there alone. In the past, I’d been accompanied by my father and one of my servants, Léo. In truth, he is my father’s bastard love-child spawned from a short-lived rendez-vous with a chamber maid in my bedroom. I’d like to accept him as a relative but ...of course, unlike Léo, I resemble my father more than him. After all, he’s truly a son-of-a-bitch.

But I shall manage on my own – it shouldn’t be too difficult.

Hopefully, I am taken seriously and taken in despite my crownlessness and my poverty. All that I've got to show for my wealth is what is inside my pants. 

Then I shall set off, once more, on a quest into nothingness...for my heart is half empty. And unfortunately, so are my pockets as I have squandered worthless silver on something worthy of my throne...Goddamnitt, why did I gamble away those boots?!

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