The Original High (Koli) ✔️

21: Help Me Die

After Oli had left and Tay was off spending a lot of time with her new girlfriend, I was basically on my own again. I was completely alone. And I was spiraling downwards. I had slipped back into using way too much of my medication and mixing it with all the wrong kinds of alcohol and other drugs.

I was ready to give up, knowing that I would never change. I would never get better. I'd always remain to be that suicidal, drug addicted band whore. . . even if I didn't whore around.

After downing even more of my medication with half a bottle of vodka, I sat back against my bed and cried. I hated how I was, I couldn't stand myself. . . let alone what everyone else would probably be thinking of me by now.

I didn't understand how Oli put up with me. He deserved so much better than me.

But he did put up with me. . . and thanks to him there had been good moments in my life, but the bad ones were overpowering me. They were like a dark cloud hanging over my eyes, blinding me from what could be.

I tried to hold my tears and calm my breathing as I decided to call Oli. Luckily, he picked up almost instantly. "Hey, Kell, is everything okay? Did you forget about the time zone difference again? It's like four in the morning." He whispered with a chuckle, his voice croaky and sleepy.

"Oh I'm sorry." I muttered softly. "I did forget."

"It's okay. I miss you." Oli then said as he yawned deeply.

"I miss you too." I heard my voice crack and suddenly all of my emotions burst right through to the surface. I muffled the phone with my hand and started crying again. He had to know. . . he had to know right now. Someone had to know how I felt.

"I can't do this, Oli." I eventually blurted out.

"Wow. . . love, calm down. What's wrong? What can't you do?"

"This!" I yelled. "This, whatever this is. . . life!" I wasn't even sure how to put it into words. It was just everything. . . a big pile of everything. I was so done with it all. And it had turned me into a big, sobbing mess.

Oli sighed deeply, ending it with a groan. "Damnit Kellin, I'm on the other side of the planet. You know I can't deal with this right now."

His choice of words shocked me. It wasn't like Oli to say something like that, but he was right. He was away on tour; he didn't need shit like this from me.

"You're right, I'm sorry. I should give you space, just forget about me." I wasn't saying it because I wanted him to pity me, I actually meant it; he should just forget about me. Because in the end I was right too, all I'd ever end up doing was ruin his life one way or another.

"That is so not what I meant and you know it, love." Oli stated calmly.

"I wish it was, though. It would make everything so much easier for you."

"Kellin, stop. . ." Oli then pleaded after a moment of silence. "You've obviously been drinking or whatever and overthinking things. Just get some rest and call me again when you've sobered up a little, alright love?"

I sighed softly. Drinking or whatever, I repeated in my mind. I knew at that point that he had known damn well what I'd been up to all this time.

I chuckled sarcastically and rolled my eyes, feeling more tears well up. How could he have known and kept his mouth shut? Was he ever even going to try and get me off the drugs? Wait, no. . . that wasn't his problem- it was mine.

"Alright, I'm gonna go to sleep." I then decided, slowly losing all emotion in my voice and in my thoughts. "We'll talk when you're back from tour."

"No, wait. . . Kell, are you okay?"

"I'm perfectly fine." I lied without any apparent trouble. "Good night." And right when Oli was about to say something, I clicked the call away.

I sighed and threw my phone behind me onto the bed, staring off at the wall for a while. This wasn't his fault, it was all me. I was beyond depressed, and I knew of only one thing that could fix that right now. . .

Sleep. . .

Yeah, that's exactly what I was going to do.

I moved over, reached into the top drawer of my nightstand and took out the bottle of sleeping pills I had. Subconsciously humming one of Oli's songs that was stuck in my head, I popped the cap off the bottle and threw a pill into my mouth, quickly downing it with a swig of vodka.

1 pill for sleep. . .

6 pills for deep sleep. . .

20 for the hospital. . .

And 40 for the morgue. . .

"Just like the living dead, I've got a taste for something— And I don't want it, I just need it. . . And I can't believe that it's getting harder just to feel alive— It's getting harder just to feel alive. . ." I sang in a whisper, taking one pill after the other, until the pill bottle was empty as well as the bottle of vodka. "Curtains close; take a bow, I think we fooled all of them now— Who you are, what you say, what you do each and every single day. . ."

I sat back and closed my eyes, letting the built up tears fall from my eyes.

I was so done with life.

In the background, I heard my phone ringing, telling me that I had received a text message. I sighed and ignored it as I slowly felt myself drifting away. "I've made my bed, so I'll. . . lie in it. I've. . . dug my grave. . . so God. . . help me die. . . in it. . ."

And that was when I fell into a deep slumber.

. . . . . 

"Is he okay?"

"Is he going to wake up?"

"Fuck, why wasn't I home?"

"Goddamnit Kellin!"

Vague flashes of different voices cursed and snarled around me. . . one moment sounding concerned, and the next moment they sounded angry as hell. What the fuck was going on? Where was I? Who were they? Why couldn't I move, or see anything? What happened?