Oz-Day Bogan Romance

Muz's Aussie Day

"Code SB in the spirits aisle. Repeat, Kaz, extreme Code SB in the spirits aisle!"

Ebs' voice had risen a full octave above its usual pitch and I figured I'd better attend. I'd been working at Hair of the Dog Liquor for three months now and I knew when it was serious. Ebony was clearly declaring a critical Code SB, otherwise known as a 'Code Sexy Bastard.'

Even the extreme code call didn't prepare me for what I saw when I turned into the spirits aisle. Over six foot of tanned, muscled flesh, draped only in a skintight Australian flag singlet and Bad Boy boardies, a pair of white-rimmed mirror Oakleys propped up on his head, holding back a mane of golden mullet.

"Shit a brick," I muttered to myself. This Code SB was off the scale.

I adjusted my work polo and straightened my Oz-flag bopper headband. "Need any help, mate?" I asked.

Aussie-god straightened up and cast me a once-over, pausing to read the words emblazoned across my chest: "Get a hair of the dog what bit ya!" He gave me a smirk.

"Nice bouncy things," he said.

Well, that was straight to the point. I realised a second later he meant my boppers and shot him a grin. "Yeah, the customers seem to like 'em."

"Bloody oath."

Hmm, maybe he didn't mean my boppers after all. "You looking for anything in particular?" I asked.

"It's Straya Day tomorrow, whaddya reckon I'm looking for?"

"Emu Bitter?" I hazarded. "Carlton Cold?"

He muttered a curse under his breath. "I know where the bloody cool room is, love. I'm after the Bundy, for shit's sake."

I raised my eyebrows. Not a Beam man, then? Intriguing. I located the Bundaberg and asked, "Pineapple coconut, or regular?"

He gave me a look. I handed him the regular. "Bewdy."

"Anything else I can help with, er, sir?"

"Murray. Muz."

I shot him my best flirty smile. "Hi, Muz."

He graced me with that sweeping glance again. Phwoar. I caught Ebony's eye further along the aisle, behind him. She was giving me a wild-eyed grin and a thumbs up.

"Something for the sheilas," he said, quirking his eyebrow. "What do you chicks like to drink? Passion Pop, right?"

"Passion Pop's so 2000-Olympics," I said, shaking my head. "You wanna go for something like this if you wanna impress the girls." I showed him the vodka-pop range. "This one's popular. Lush Guava."

"Lush Guava, eh?" He frowned at the pink premix. "Looks like a cat with kidney trouble pissed into a bottle."

I burst into laughter. "Tastes a bit like that, too."

He regarded me with interest. "What do you drink then?"

"Guess."

He considered. "Classy girl like you? Moselle, right?"

"Turkey and cola. Shot glass measure so the bar staff don't rip me off."

His eyebrows shot up so high they looked like they might scurry off into his short top-n-sides. "You sound like someone I could have a drink with."

"Sounds good," I said before I could overthink it. "You know where to find me. Now, can I sort out anything else for you? Nuts?"

I actually made him redden. Ten points to me. "Nah, I'm all good now."

"Well, you have a fan-bloody-tastic Australia Day, Muz. Stay outta trouble, alright?"

"Not if I can help it." His bravado was back and he winked. "Actually, maybe I will get you to sort me out with some nuts."

"No worries." I showed him up to the checkout, slapping a packet of Nobby's salted on the counter and handing him over to Ebs. Her eyes were wide as she served him in silent awe.

"Fuck a duck," she sighed as we watched him pile his Bundy and Lush Guava sixpack into a gleaming blue ute. "Do you reckon we'll ever see him again?"

"Oh yeah." I shrugged. "He'll be back."

Ebony turned her head to stare at me so fast her boppers went into a frenzied wobble. "How do you know?"

I pointed down. "Cos he forgot about his nuts."