Where Are You and Who Am I?

Untitled Part 1

 First and ten. I look in the stands for my father. No one there. Ball is snapped and I gain five yards on a run play. Second and five. I look again, still no dad in the stands cheering his number one player on. With him not here, I feel emotions wash over as usual, and when the ball is snapped too high, I jump on top of it to recover the live ball. I looked once again,and still no dad. Because the ball was snapped too high the previous play, my 15-yard reception on a fade route wasn't enough for the first down. Now the defense is keying me with ten seconds left in the fourth quarter with the game tied 13-13. It's fourth and two with 20 yards to go until the endzone. 20 yards to go until we win our first game of the season. 20 yards to go until we win my FIRST football game. As we are in the huddle, I am too busy worrying about the man that wasn't there that I didn't hear the play. I miss the handoff right and the thought crosses my head that I potentially just lost the game for us. But thankfully our Quarterback read the Defensive end dropping back and he runs it for another 15 yard gain. With four seconds left in the game, we call our last time out, still tied 13-13.

Coach gives us a short speech about hardwork and dedication and then he gives us the play. Jet Sweep 1 Option Right Side Motion. We break the huddle and Coach grabs me by my facemask and looks me in the eyes. He says, "King,this play, potentially this game, depends ALL. ON. YOU! No matter what anybody says or does to you, this team will always be your family. I know your dad isn't here right now but you need to push past the pain and pull through for your FAMILY. Can we depend on you King?". I reply with an emotional, "Yes sir," and ran out there behind our QB. He looks at me and we both nod signaling that this game was ours. He lifts his foot and sends our motion guy across the field. As we snap the ball and fake toss it into our motion guy's hands, the Jet sweep guy trails behind him and actually gets the ball. Out of nowhere the same DE blasts through a wide open hole and hits our guy with the ball. Thankfully just before he falls to the ground, the ball flies back to me and I grab it with one hand. I'm running up the gap while pushing my guard forward. The end zone is getting closer, than closer, than CLOSER. I'm close enough to the endzone that I can smell the victory. Three more yards until our first win.

Then I close my eyes for a split second.

Memories of me when I was a little kid cross my mind. Memories of how my moms, my sisters and I struggled to live. Memories of me always giving up because I felt no one could connect with me. All those nights at a table with that one empty seat right next to momma. All these memories flooding my mind make me want this Touchdown more than life itself. "I can't give up anymore," I tell myself.

I open my eyes and with this newfound determination, jump over all those jerseys into the endzone, stretching the ball towards the pylon. I take a huge hit by linebacker to my unprotected ribcage, but despite the pain I fall into the endzone. I see the referee put his hands up signaling a touchdown, signaling that we won our first game! The excitement that is running through my body is unexplainable! I came through for my team, my family and it feels amazing. My team jumps on top of me to celebrate for a good five minutes. When I can breath again I stand up and look to the stands, which is the worst thing I can do at that moment. I see no dad and my whole demeanor shifts drastically.

All my life I wanted to please this man that I didn't even know hoping that he would be proud enough of this thing he created that he'd finally accept him. It felt like I just traveled the world for him (winning the game) and he wasn't even there to acknowledge me. I felt crushed on the inside thinking that I once again failed to please this man.

My coach comes over to me and hugs me because he understands exactly how I am feeling at this moment. He hugs me in such a comforting way that I let go of my self-barriers and fall into his arms crying. My teammates and the fans might think it's tears of joy, but these are tears of pain. I will never forget this day in my life because this is the day I found my true dream.

At that point in my life I was 11 going on 12. Me and my biological father had talked rarely before this time in my life and I really didn't know much about him. All I had gathered from my moms was that he physically and mentally abused her for a couple of years and then me and my sister were born. After finally having enough of the abuse, moms left that "man" and started a new life with me and my sisters. They split while I was six months old so I never really got a chance to know him. He never completed the visitation rights class, hence never being able to see or know his children.

I didn't really see the affect of not having a dad in my childhood until the age of 12. Growing up I was always a mommas boy because my moms was the only one I had. It felt like us and her against the world and we were just barely making it. She taught me a lot of things about life from a woman's perspective but I never really got in touch with my male side. Since we were military, we moved around a lot and all the moving caused me to become even more emotionally unstable. I would make some cool friends just to end up leaving them a few months after meeting them. After awhile I guess I just shut down everywhere and gave up on life.

In 2009 moms got married to a new man and he was actually alright. He has good ethical values, he's a very good Christian man (and his first name is Christian ironically), and he seemed to really care about my moms. All these qualities about him made me want to accept him and let him be the role of dad in my life, but one thing stopped me. My real dad called me once or twice before that and he told me something that would always stick with me. He said that real men don't cry and he also told me that we were going to be a happy family as soon as he got his stuff right. I held on to that last part for most of my life and that's probably the reason I didn't accept the new guy on the scene. I had always reserved a spot for my actual dad because in my mind, he was a still a part of this "family" we had but he just wasn't here. So I rebelled against everything the new guy want me to do.

To make a long story moderate, my dad played a key role in my life by not being there. My moms could teach me stuff, but no one but a father can teach his own son the ways of being a man. Moms could try her best to try to show me how to throw a ball or how to fish, but it's something about a father's love and teachings that does something to a boy. At the age of 12 I really needed him because that's when I started actually experiencing life. I had no one there to tell me how this thing worked out from a mens perspective. I had no one to teach me anything so I had to basically fight this ugly monster called life on my own. (YouTube and Google can only do so much.)

I lost myself in the world trying to find who I was because you weren't there. On my 12th birthday you promised that I could come live with you and that you would teach me everything you knew. You made promises throughout my whole life that you never came through on. I stayed up at night and had my bags packed waiting for you to come pick me up because YOU SAID you would. After awhile I stopped trusting you, but it was too late at that point. I became depressed and suicidal. I started doing drugs, I cut my moms off, my sisters, the world. People needed me but I was so consumed in this fantasy world that you made that I ignored them and continued to believe in something false. Football showed me that I don't have to be like you for you to like me. I found confidence in football, I am starting to find myself in football. Life taught me to stop worrying about what I have to lose and start focusing on what I have to gain. I am no longer focusing on you or my past because it didn't seem to work out too well. I have a future in something I love doing and I'd much rather start spending my time focusing on my goals that are realistic instead of the fantasy world. When life throws you shade turn, it into sunshine. That's the lesson you taught me not through words, but through your actions...