What We Are

8/dark

-MIRIAM-

I lay in bed that night wondering. Wondering what will happen between Zahra and I. Wondering what Mama and Papa and Sevta and good Lord, Buba would think of this. I wonder if Tovah would laugh. I wonder when I will get to go home.

And I wonder if I will see the stars again soon. I hoist myself up to the window. It is between both of our beds, perfectly centered. I lean on the windowsill, quietly sweeping the long white drapes aside, and I stare out into the night.

The streets are quieter now, but an occasional car whizzes by, fleeing the night. The streetlight seeps through the thin fabric of the curtains.

Zahra is lying on her side, facing the wall. She already has posters and pictures up on her wall. There are a lot with a certain two girls and a guy. Perhaps her siblings? They look alike.

I lay back down and stare up at the ceiling. 

I turn towards the wall.

I turn towards Zahra and wonder if watching someone sleep counts as being creepy when they're your roommate. Probably yes if they are your 'sorta kinda' enemy.

My chest fills up with an overwhelming ache and I feel my heart beat faster.

I miss Mama and Chava and Tovah and Buba and Sevta and Papa and Sylva and Zach and- 

I miss being home.

The same thoughts being repeated over and over in my head are driving me crazy.

Breath, Miriam. Breathe.

I close my eyes blinking away the tears, denying my eyes the right to spill over and begin their incessant flow.

I shift my legs and sit on the edge of the bed, and make my way to the bathrooms at the end of the hall.

There is only one girl washing her hands, and another stall shut.

I lock myself in a middle centered one. Once I am alone once more, and the sound of footsteps leaving has faded down the hall, I rest my elbows on my knees and my hands on my eyes. 

In the end I give up trying to relax and as I stare at myself in the mirror, my senses alert, the sound of the toilet flushing filling up the eerie silence. 

Zahra and I are both a day early. Tomorrow I expect that the halls will be overflowing with color and sound and laughter and excitement. The thought of all the people fills me with dread. I have never liked big crowds and now with this mood that I am in it will be even worse. With this feeling of something pressing down on my chest.

My face is flushed, despite the fact that my pajama short-clad legs are almost shivering.

My sleeve gets caught in the water from the tap, and my eyes fill up with tears.

It's silly really, crying over such a trivial, insignificant thing. But really, it's just that my nerves have been waiting for something to top off the hectic day of nervousness, fear, homesickness, excitement, and then the whole issue with her.

I roll my eyes to the side trying to avoid tears, and try my hands on the paper towels in the corner.

When I softly pad back down the hall in my slippers, I can hear noises and creaking in the building.

The goosebumps break out over my exposed legs and I quicken my pace. 

Then the power cuts. I am no stranger to power outages, despite the fact that my country's blackouts are more frequent in mostly Palestinian areas. But Darkness couldn't have chosen a worse time to drape himself around me.

And I hear the footsteps, and my heart leaps into my throat.

A blueish glow coming from a phone bobs around the corner and another girl is walking down across the hall.

When her light shines in my face I wish that my bedraggled braids were loose, a curtain against intruders.

But then I am at my door and she says hi and so do I and then I am saying goodnight and slipping back into bed.

And then I see Zahra, who when I left was sprawled across the sheets her hair a tangle on her pillow, looking out the window.

//

best friends are the best----hahahaha I just realized how stupid I sound writing that

but seriously---mine makes me so happyyy she just understands everything and we watch Steel Magnolias and cry together and idk yeah