15 Letters

Chapter 3 (Diary)

20.07.25

Will, Will, Will. All I can think of while you're gone is green tea and your grin.

Green tea, because it's been so long since I made tamaryokucha myself that I've forgotten how. Or maybe my hands just shake too much from the loneliness and fear of the unknown that I can't pour the right amount of water, or my mind is too occupied elsewhere to keep track of the time. Either way, my precious tamaryokucha almost always tastes like crap now. Once I let it sit for half an hour before I remembered to take a cold sip. Your grin, because you used to grin every morning when I woke up too late to make my own tea. |

It's true. You never appreciate the little things in life until they're gone. I remember the first morning after we moved in together. Will, early rising as always, was already eating breakfast when I came into the kitchen, rubbing my eyes. Still half-asleep, I began my usual morning routine of heating up water when Will pointed to a steaming mug. He'd already made my tea for me, and from that day on, he declared, he would be doing so. Well, specifically, he informed me that unless I could wake up before him to do it instead, he would heat up water for coffee and tea at the same time to save electricity. Which basically meant that he would always do it. I have to be the laziest, most sleep needing creature on the planet.

At least I have a home job - I would get fired all the time if I actually had a time that I had to be up and working by. Thankfully, though, my passion is graphic art and my company lets me work at home as long as I reach their deadlines for turning in works. It's quite nice, really. I get to doodle (sorry, "render") my feelings on a topic out while buried in comforters and listening to music on full blast. I often zone out, seeing only my stylus inking out digital strokes on the surface of my drawing table. After more than five years, I still use the Wacom Cintiq that Daisuke, my 兄 (ani - older brother), bought for me when I was fifteen, when I really started getting serious about digital art. I love my digital art tools. They let me express my emotions through colors - or, sometimes, no colors - and keep me together.

Often I design when I'm feeling. Either when I'm mad, or sad, or happy, or just feeling, I'll boot up my old (but surprisingly non-laggy) laptop, hook up the tablet if it isn't already, make a custom temporary playlist of a few songs I want to listen to, and draw until I disappear.

My creations come from the heart. Often I find that my fears or hopes turn up in small details in my works, even if it's a commissioned request from a company customer. I make copies of every one of my designs before I send them off.

Today I didn't work on anything. I just drew. I started out with Will's face, as accurately as i could. Then I added a flying American flag and a body for Will, standing on a hill. I faded into the plush blankets of the bed, not even focusing on what I was doing, letting my hand move on its own. When I was finished, I looked over my painting with pride. Only as I was saving it did I realize that I had drawn a small, barely noticeable gravestone in the background.