Dear Phil (Phan)

-philly smiles-

Dear Phil,

Shit.

I'm so scared. I guess you have the right to know that I wasn't drunk that night. I remember it all. I remember how overwhelming that kiss was. Maybe I was just drunk on that. If I was, I might just become an alcoholic.

The second time we kissed, I looked into your eyes and saw how lost you were in your own confusion and happiness. You were swimming in a pool of light only for that light to flicker and fade at the sight of my faux disgusted face. You looked lost in a different kind of sadness, a sadness that was totally and completely Phil. We made videos the next day and I couldn't help but look into your eyes and hope that that light had returned to you. It never did.

The third time, I kissed you. I remember that clearly. This love wasn't opaque anymore, this was transparent. And after that kiss, Philly smiled like Philly didn't care.

The fourth time, I don't know who did it, but I remember kissing you back. Your lips were rough and chapped from not drinking enough water, for not taking care of yourself. I wanted to wrap my arms around you, but Phil, you live in your world so unaware.

The fifth time, nothing happened. There was no fifth time. I felt like I was leading you on. I love you so much, like the sun loves the moon, like I like PJ loved Chris, like Dan loved his Phil. I fooled you once with my eyes, I fooled you twice with my lies, and I was done with both of those things.

I don't know what to do now, Philly. Should I erase these words and pretend they never existed? That would probably be the smart thing to do, but I can't help but stuff these letters into my pillowcase and hope that you might accidentally find them and go back to your happy, carefree self. I really hope that's how this turns out.