60 things Emmett Cullen must not do:
1. Dance to "she wolf" by Shakira and attempt to do the washing machine at Wal-Mart
2. Use wet towels to smack Esme's butt as she washed the dishes.
3. Or else I will not stop Carlisle the next time.
4. Stuff Alice's French berates with white frosting.
5. Or anything else that come's out of mike Newton
6. Run around in boxers that say "Jasper's little helper" around the gym while screaming "he's found me again! Help!"
7. Kidnap the presidents daughter and dance on a pole while she's taped to the wall.
8. You are not Madonna.
9. So for the love of god through away the costume.
10. And don't wear it at church either.
11. Don't explain last night with me to five year olds waiting in line for Santa.
12. And Santa does not exist by the way.
13. So stop begging for "a gay salsa dancer, and a trip to Rio" and posting the letter on jasper's butt.
14. Do not call Opra and say in an imitation of Bella's voice that "my vampire boyfriend is an obsessive stalker, what will it take for him to stop saving my used tampons?"
15. Do not buy a European slave.
16. And do not force aforementioned slave to lick Alice's underwear.
17. It is not right to carry around a bottle of peanut butter.
16. It wont protect you against the aliens
18. Do not right in permanent marker, "union's rule! Confederates are gay" on jaspers forehead
19. Or any other part of him
20. Please stop constantly smelling your armpits.
21. And stop forcing me to do it.
21. Your armpits do NOT smell like mustard and cat pee.
22. Do not burn Alice's wardrobe and replace it with naked pictures of Italian cowboys.
23. The look on Jaspers face when he sees them is not funny.
24. Do not wear booty shorts to school.
25. And do not, while wearing them, sing who wears short shorts while rubbing your but in the principals face.
25. Don't talk to strangers. Please don't talk to strangers.
26. Don't whisper to esme while she's cooking for Bella that you think it's a little disturbing how Carlisle only changes teenagers.
27. Esme does not wear granny panties.
28. Neither does jasper.
29. Telling pregnant woman that 20 percent of children are attracted to fire and gasoline is not funny.
30. don't scream "terrorist!" to the funny looking guy with a mustache on an airplane.
31. Don't put cocaine in Carlisle's suitcase when they search for drugs on said airplane.
32. No matter what the voices tell you, you are not a ten foot purple elephant.
33. Don't throw peanuts to the lions at the zoo.
34. Don't shove photo shopped pictures of Alice making put with a weasel with jasper's body on it, in jaspers underwear
35. The results are pretty much the same.
36. Please don't scream at the fat kids in the baseball team "run for the Twinkie fat kid! Run for the Twinkie!"
37. And don't throw Twinkies at said fat kids
38. You are not allowed to go through Bella's diary
39. Or make several copies of pages from her diary in the school's hallway.'
40. Don't shove French fries in your mouth and start crying about your weight problem.
41. Esme does not have a fat ass. Stop buying size 90 underwear for her at Christmas.
41. Cat's do not like water.
42. And I do not like cheese.
43. Don't buy the only mall in Forks, and roller-skate naked through the women's department.
44. And don't yell to the cops that they are peeping toms and your calling your vampire family.
45. Don't make a bath full of chocolate pudding and gravy.
46. And don't throw Edward inside.
47. My M3 is off limits. Do not right on it with my lipstick.
48. don't put "Rosalie's next victim" on Angela Weber's back.
49. Don't tell the freshmen Mike Newton tried to touch you.
50. Don't run your hands through Mike Newton's hair with bacon fat.
51. Don't run your hand's through Mike Newton's hair with pig sperm
52. You know what, Mike Newton is off limits too.
53. You are not pregnant, Emmett, and I am not an abusive father.
54. Stop wearing diapers in public
55. And "they make me feel young again." is not a proper excuse.
56. Do not steal baby's from the hospital and when the cop's show up they are not presents for Carlisle.
57. Don't gift wrap seven year olds for him either.
59. Despite what you think I don't resemble doctor Phil when I take a shower.
60. And Emmett, I only do these things because I love you.
Which really surprises me because you act like a seven year old your self. Don't say my but looks like an apple. And you cannot take a bite of it.
Well, ok I can compromise ;)
