Transgender || phan (book 1)

12.9

                                      ^^^
Adding songs to go with long chapters.

I remove my shirt and look at myself. It's messed up but I'm stuck like this until I have a plan. Then it hits me. Everything my dad said. Just comes crashing in. Maybe I'm not suppose to be like that. Maybe my family would put me up for adoption if I changed that much. Dan could take me in but somehow I think that would work for a week before I'm on my own. And I would get what out of being a girl? Happiness but that's selfish. My eyes are met with a blue pair of eyes. Mine. This isn't gonna work. There's a basket of clothes that need to be washed. I look through it. I find one of my dad's old hoodies that he still wears sometimes but originally gave to me. I didn't want it so I gave it back. There's some of his sweatpants. Just plain black ones. I put them on. Somewhere in the shower is a razor.

I take it to my extensions and cut them out. Black strips fall to the floor. I do this until most of them are out. My normal hair looks so weird. So short. It's sloppy and messed up but it works. The grey hoodie is big on me. I use the hood to cover up my disaster of a face. My ring finger on each hand has a little nail polish on it. I quickly cut it off until there is hardly nail left.

The rest of it gets picked off. My ring fingers almost bleed so I search the cabinets for band aids and wrap them around my fingers. My combat boots will have to work. Their not the best for running. Thunder claps from outside. I take that back: their not the best for running in the rain. If I went up to anyone on the street, they would probably automatically assume I'm homeless and give me some money. 

I unlock the door and creep down the stairs. Some of them creak and footsteps are running above me. My dad heard. I sprint the rest of the stairs and dash out the door. He's yelling at me as I run off. Because that's gonna do something. Lighting flashes from above and 5 seconds later, thunder. 5 miles away.

Rain pours down on me. Water falls into my mouth. Eventually, I can distinguish the difference between the two. The rain tastes fresh and clean. My tears taste gross and salty. The road ahead is blurred and my cloths are soaked through. All I can do is run along the side of the street and keep my eyes down on the ground. I don't even know where Dan lives. I just run straight.

My lungs burn and I want to throw up my heart. But I never slow down. I would give anything for a charged phone. Just to ask where Dan lives.  Eventually, I feel like I'm gonna pass out and have to stop. My sides are heaving. I lean on a tree for support and sink down to the ground. A car drives past. The wheels hit a puddle at 25 mph which moves on to hit me. Nice.

Another car is farther down the road. It's slowing down. 100 feet, 90 feet, 80 feet. I stand up and continue my sprint cutting through yards, not wanting to wait for the car to stop in front of me. Puddles soak my boots and leaves slap against my face. Just need to get away from home. I don't even have a destination anymore. Just away.

The yards stop and I rush back on the street. My foot hits the concrete right as a car heads right at me. There's bright lights and honking and lots of rain on my face. I can't see anything except white lights. I can't hear anything except a car horn 5 feet away from me and thunder clapping like an enthusiastic audience to this whole scene.

My weight leans back and I see the sky. Rain falls in my eyes and I close them before they sting to much.