A Piece of Life

Part 1

My life is a stupid piece in this world. My life is a trash. Dirty, unjust, unusual, ugly, and full of stupidity. Full of dull moments.

My happiness? When will I experience such a thing? When will I be happy?

Everything around me is nonsense, dull and nothing. Sometimes, while I am having a talk with God, I asked Him. "Anong ginagawa ko sa mundong ito? Bakit ako nandito?"

I am just a piece of an existence. I don't live, I merely exist. And, I am telling you, existing is not fun. My existence is nothing. I am a real definition of nothing.

I am like a dust, existing, nothing to do, I am just here, for no reason.

I looked at her. She's crying but I don't care. She is a piece of shit. A piece of me.

"Kylie, umiiyak yung baby." My friend, Jasper, said. I don't need his reminders about the baby. I am aware of her existence. But I don't care about her.

"Kylie, maawa ka naman sa anak mo." He said again. I ignored him like I always do. Why would I?

"Kung kaya mong hindi kumain ng isang araw pwes yung anak mo hindi. Ipagluluto ko kayo." He said again. He is irritating the hell out of me. The hell he cares? He is just my friend.

I am just watching the show on our television, ignoring the fact that my daughter is crying. The show is more senseful than her.

"Kylie, I am done. Kumain ka na sa kusina ako na ang bahala sa anak mo." He said again and again. He placed the baby in his arms. He gave her a bottle of milk and the baby ceased crying. Good thing.

"Kylie, please? Kumain ka na." We exchanged glances. I don't want to eat. But still, I can't say no to Jasper. I ate. A lot.

"Kylie, si Baby Kyper binigay ko muna kay mama. Labas muna tayo. Para naman maginhawaan ka." I don't care about the baby. Kill her right now, I won't really give a damn.

"Okay." I answered. It's been a year since I saw the world. I am just here in my house, watching, eating, taking a bath, sleeping and nothing.

I brushed my teeth and took a bath. I wore a simple tee and a pair of pants. I don't care about everything.

"Tara na?" He asked. I just nodded as an answer. We locked the door. It's 6:00 in the evening already and we are heading to Tagaytay. Nothing is special in here. Nothing is really special.

After an hour and a half of travelling, we are finally here in our destination.

"Ang lamig no? Bakit hindi ka nagdala ng jacket?" He asked me. I gave him a shrugged.

"Tignan mo Kylie, ang ganda ng mundo diba?" He said while pointing to the lights from the houses, to the view from a far.

"Kylie, kailan ka aalis sa cage mo? Ang tagal ko ng hinihintay yun kayalang tingin ko wala ka pa ring sapat na lakas para umalis sa kulungang inimbento mo para sa sarili mo." He said meaningfully.

"Kahit kailan pwede kang lumabas." He said again, I diverted my look to the view in front of me.

I don't want to get out.

"Takot ka lang. Natatakot ka na umalis kasi baka husgahan ka. Natatakot kang umalis dahil nasanay ka na nasa loob lamang." Yes, he is right. I am afraid to get out, I don't know what I want to do so I can't get out. I want to stay because I am afraid of the sudden change in events. My cyclic life will change, but I don't know if I really want to change it.

"Kinukulong mo yung buhay mo sa pader na nilikha mo. Mas malakas ka sa pader na yun." I am not firm. I am nothing but a person who exists.

"I don't want to get out," I said in a low voice. He gave me a beam.

"Do you want to be happy?" I'm flabbergasted. I want to be happy, but I don't know how to.

"Yes." I answered honestly. Everyone wants to be happy. But they don't know which way is the right way to happiness. Because at the first place, they really don't know which way they are facing. They do not know what will happen when they'll take the road. I am confused between what I want and what is right.

"Then, get out. I will help you, kahit sobrang tagal ka pang malakalabas sa sarili mo, tutulungan kita." He said.

"Jasper, why are you doing this? Hindi mo ito dapat ginagawa." I said, he just gave me a beam. A fraudulent beam.

"This isn't your responsibility. I don't oblige you to do this. Tama na pwede?" His grin turned into a frown. His face became serious, his emotion changed.

"Ayokong tumigil. Natatakot ako sa maaaring mangyari kay Kyper." He said in a very low voice.

"Wala ka dapat pakialam sa kaniya!" I shouted. I am not angry, I feel so damn useless (Well, I really am). I don't need someone. I'm aware that I am not a good person, not even a good mother. People that exist (like me) will never be good unless they live.

"Hindi lang siya ang iniisip ko, Kylie! I am also concerned with you! Hindi lang si Kyper ang inaalala ko! Pati ikaw Kylie! Lalong lalo ka na!" I took a step behind. I was shocked because of his sudden tone. He has never been this angry not until today.

"Mas lalong wala ka dapat pakialam sa akin, Jasper! I am a piece of shit! A piece of a trashy paper! You don't have to do all those shits!" I shouted again. This trip shouldn't be like this. But the guilt inside me is killing me slowly.

Jasper has his own life. He is living (unlike me). His life is a damn fantasy! His life is my fantasy. He has everything. Everything that I will never have.

Love

Money

Happiness

Houses

Friends

Parents

And life...

Those things, I will never experience them, again. I am miserable and nothing.

"I want to do this Kylie. Wag mo akong pigilan." His voice broke. I am stunned.

He suddenly knelt in front of me, with tears in his eyes, biting his lips to prevent himself from a deep pain.

"Please Kylie, I want to stay." He held my hands. So tight.

"Please let me." He cried without minding how messed-up he is right now.

"I would do everything, just please, let me." He whispered. In a very very very low voice, to the point that I can't even hear it clearly.

"Please, Kylie?"

"I'll stay." He looked directly in my eyes. Still, tears are flowing, non-stop.

"Please, I want to stay so bad." I reached out his face, I wiped his tears, but because of his unstoppable tears, nothing happened.

"Please..."

"Jasper..." My tears escaped my eyes. I can't hold it back anymore. I just want to tell him these words.

"Get out of my life." And with that I left him.

Kneeling. Crying. Alone.