that one weird hospital au fic no one wanted

what

At 2am, Fuyuka finds Kidou at the front desk with a protein bar.

"I'm about to go off to break," he says, at the same time Fuyuka tells him, "There's a man here demanding a male nurse."

Tonight is Kidou's ten year high school reunion. He isn't that upset about missing it, because he didn't quite care for high school, but he'd rather at least have the day off. Instead, Kidou is sitting on a stool in the ER.

"Can anyone else do it?" he asks, because as much as he loves Fuyuka, he's also only halfway through his twelve hour shift.

"Everyone else is busy." Fuyuka starts to fix her hair bun, a hairpin sticking out between her lips. "Please? He really needs help."

Kidou sighs. "This is an emergency room. Everyone needs help."

But he grabs his stethoscope and a pair of rubber gloves before fixing his nametag. The patient is named Akio Fudou, placed in room 5B on the fourth floor. When Kidou enters, he sees Fudou standing against the examination table, arms crossed and a scowl on his face. He's still fully dressed in streetwear (a hoodie and jeans), despite the hospital gown draped over a chair nearby.

"Has anyone directed you to change?" Kidou asks, and Fudou looks up and scoffs.

"At least they finally sent the right person." he says. "Do I really have to change? It's like a fucking dress or something. I could just pull down my underwear and you can go at it, you know, bam. And we're done."

Kidou sits on the stool and reads Fudou's chart, left by Fuyuka, on the counter. Fudou is only slightly younger than Kidou -- they would have been in the same year at school -- and he's a punk with hypertension who has a dildo stuck up his ass.

Kidou sets the chart down. He is very good about not making patients feel ridiculous, and he has certainly pulled a number of odd objects from from every kind of place -- marbles from kids' noses, Barbie shoes from ears, condoms from vaginas, and so on. This is the first man who's ever come up with something stuck up his ass, let alone something that was meant to go up there. The weirdest ER stories are the ones where something insane -- a Golden Globes statuette, a garlic press, a spool of typewriter correction tape -- gets lost in someone's body. He's never seen those, but Sakuma calls him up every now and then with a story he read on the internet.

"Well," Kidou says, closing the chart and putting it back on the counter, "at least you've stuck the right thing up the right hole. It could be a lot worse. What happened?"

"What the hell do you think happened?" Fudou asks. "I was fucking myself in the ass, used too much lube, and it vanished."

"You have to put this on," Kidou replies, handing him the gown. This patient is giving him a headache.

"Really?" Fudou glares like he personally put the dildo up his asshole.

"If you want me to get that out for you."

"Duh, I want you to get it out! I just guessed I could maybe pull my pants down a little."

"Put the gown on," Kidou says, "and I'll be back."

He waits outside 5B for exactly five minutes (timed on his watch) before reentering the room. Fudou is now standing in the hospital gown. The blue-green color is terrible on him.

Kidou hands him a muscle relaxant and a glass of water.

"How big do you think this dildo is?" he asks.

"In inches? It's pretty long."

"Can you estimate?"

"Fuck, I don't know." Fudou is starting to look stressed out. "Why is this what I'm doing? What the hell. I'm never using a dildo again. I don't even usually take it, I give it, and-"

"Hey," Kidou says. "It's actually normal, okay? There's literally nothing weird about wanting to use one of these things. A lot of people use them."

"Do you use them?" Fudou straightens. "You look like you have something stuck up your ass, too. Wanna come over sometime? We can have a little dinner, a little fun..."

Kidou ignores his attempts to flirt (because who the hell flirts when you're in the ER, with a huge dildo stuck up your ass), and makes him bend over.

It's not hard, just a sponge clamp and a little bit of pressure. Fudou screams when it's extracted, but then he slumps over the table and groans with a kind of relief Kidou's never heard before, at least not out of an ER patient. It turns out the dildo is pink, sparkly, and rounded, which is nothing like what Kidou was anticipating. When he imagined what kind of dildo Fudou would use, he imagined something really lifelife and articulate, or at least as lifelike as dildos get. Or black. Or dragon-y.

Fudou is able to sit on a hemorrhoid pillow, and Kidou tells him he did great.

"Are you kidding?" Fudou glares at him. "I shrieked like a little girl."

"You were having a dildo pulled out of your rectum. I doubt you could have done better." Kidou scoffs.

It's getting late, and Kidou has more patients to see. He scribbles a note on the discharge papers; Be careful, practice safe sex, signed, Kidou. He finds himself worried for the rest of his shift that it was a major violation of some code of nursing ethics to include his phone number.