(My) Alive?

The feel of it.

It made me feel...

Amazing;

Inspired;

Relentless;

Happy;

Alive.

It felt as if I danced around the luminous floor of that basement all night. I never thought that being there would make me feel so good, so fulfilled. I could feel the chemicals travel through my veins at a speed that I thought impossible. It flew across my system at the speed of an eye blink, but I could feel the substance undergo amounts of excitement so large I couldn't handle it. I felt it expand like an orchestra at the penultimate crescendo of the piece's final aria. After the music stopped reality smacked me hard. It was as if all that I saw that I thought was my reality had whirlwinded away, leaving behind all the faults I dismayed to see. A piece of happiness and positive life had been sucked out of the character of all that I could see. The people, the place, the tables, the chairs, the floor, ceilings and everything surrounding me had a solemn look to it.

Déjà-vu would start to arise in my memory and I saw that I remembered everything I saw from before, but this time it just made me more angry and even more sad. I wanted to get away from this place yet again and back to my care-free paradise. I needed my life back. I needed it.

"More", I said, slamming my palm on the brick wall with the notes lodged inbetween.

"Here", he said blankly, handing the clear plastic wallet in his fist onto my outstretched hand. As I felt it in my hand I clasped my hand shut around the packet and swiftly walked away with my head hanging low. I curved around the alleyway and down the street, keeping my clenched fists in my pockets with my treasure inside. I eventually found my usual alleyway to get my fix sorted before anyone passed. I lent against the brick wall and slid down until I was crawled into a ball holding the plastic case in my hot, desperate hands. I glanced at the full moon that was partly blocked by a building with the steam from the factories filling the air. I fiddled the gift through my fingers, as if to fool myself. To contemplate whether or not to actually go through with taking it. I tried to resist for theatrics sake, but I know I wanted it. I wanted it badly.

I tore the wallet apart and threw the tablets down my throat. I heavily swallowed, at which point I started to pant. I panted heavily until the stream of tears started flowing down my cheeks. I was disgusted with myself, but thankful for the gift I had given myself. I felt the chemicals kick back into work and I felt myself going hard in the pit of my stomach. From there it's energy pulses through my veins and through my system. The smoke in the air started to look more flowing, like dancers pirouetting through the nights sky. The lamp posts started to shine brighter and the noise of the city sounded more orchestral. I noticed the sounds of different people around the streets and I went around to explore.

I found myself back at my basement in the centre of town with the bright neon lights that beckoned me in. I walked through the dark corridor with a growing smile on my face as I anticipated what was around the corner. The heavy beat of the club pounded through the corridor and caused my core to vibrate and got to the end of the walkway and pushed into the wooden double doors to let the party scene take over me. The muffled noise turned into a passionate invite and it took over me. I stepped back down the stairs to where I saw the floods of people swaying to the passionate voice being played throughout the basement. I cautiously strolled through the crowd until I reached the centre of the room.

I gathered with the familiar faces I had seen before I had left. Their faces seemed different, unfamiliar, unknown. Focusing on them seemed strangely difficult and their features turned blurry. Making out one person from another started to confuse me, but I put the point aside, left it for me to worry about later. Because now was my time. I was free. I was alive.

Then, as the beat dropped, so did I.