unexpected

alone

Again, I was awoken by pounding on my door. This time it came with a concerned call of my name. I lazily walk to the door and notice the time on my microwave, 12:18 am. I sigh as my feet carry me to the door.

I swing it open and turn around, not bothering to see who it is, and I make my way to the couch, feeling the deafening hollowness of being alone in my chest.

"Oh my god. Aspen you look horrible." Maggie's voice enters my ears, but my eyes stay locked on the wall as I focus on not screaming my lungs out due to the emptiness. "Aspen? Aspen come on talk to me," I heard my guitar fall to the ground and the couch cushion dipped as Maggie sat down. Even with her here, the hollowness wasn't gone, I wasn't sure if it would ever be gone.

I turned to look at her, and from her expression I could tell I looked awful, "he cheated on me." I said simply, my voice sounded like I had been chain smoking for 45 years. The words didn't taste bad coming out of my mouth. I didn't feel sick thinking about him with another girl. Honestly, I knew it was coming, he was too mature for me, much more socially and mentally developed than I am. His life actually has a course, and now mine is spinning out of control with no gravity. He was the only constant in my life for almost 2 years, he was always there for me, with me. But when I thought about being alone, I ran to the bathroom and threw up all the content of my stomach.

"Holy shit, 'Spen are you okay?" Maggie's voice was laced with concern as she held my hair back. I felt guilty, she had barely known me for a month, and now here she is, holding my hair back like I had been drinking and couldn't handle the liquor.

I nodded and let tears flow down my cheeks as I continued to hold myself over the toilet. "I think I just need to be alone." I could feel myself doing it again, pushing people away. Maggie of all people, my best friend, I was pushing her away.

I was convincing myself that I was okay, okay being alone, letting the darkness envelope me slowly from the inside out. As my heart beat inconsistently in my chest, a broken, unsteady rhythm. The only thing that it matched was the constant flow of tears coming from my eyes and the throbbing in my head from confusion and unhappiness. My heart being too preoccupied to advise my brain, the decisions I made when in this condition were irrational and unintentionally left me more alone than I previously was.

Deep down, through the internal loneliness that I was feeling, I knew I wanted Maggie here. Holding my hair back, making me soup, listening to my problems.

My eyes met her's and she nodded warily before taking my hand. "I'll be back tomorrow, okay?" I felt a rush of relief course through me as I realized she wasn't giving up. I nodded and took her to the door.

I closed the door after her and slid down the back of the door. The silence in the apartment started suffocating me, being alone had never felt so lonely before. I felt a scream of pain building within my throat, and I quickly stood up. I made my way to the kitchen and turned on the sink, letting the sound of the sink drown out some of the silence. I opened all the windows in my house, the sound of the traffic and the sound of the people walking far below me gave me little solace as I felt my hands subconsciously grip my hair, tugging at the roots a little bit.

I closed my eyes tightly, as I started seeing Dominic behind my eyes, images of him and different girls, kissing them, holding them, touching them. I couldn't take it anymore, I whimpered as I pulled my phone out from in between the couch cushions, where I had stuck it to make it shut up. I tried to convince myself I didn't care. I didn't care about the things I was imagining, but after admitting it to Maggie, images of us together, making out in my bedroom, holding hands around my hometown, they were all replaced. Replaced with images of him holding another girl, kissing her forehead, hugging her from behind. I did care, of course I cared.