What If Being Gay, Wasn't Such a Bad Thing?

I can't be! That's not me, that's not who I am!
I stare down at my cell phone. Tear drops, blurring the screen. I wipe them away with my shirt sleeve.

Gay: A term that primarily refers to a homosexual person or the trait of being homosexual.

I kept staring at the haunting definition, letting my tears fall. Sitting alone, in your bedroom, questioning your sexuality is a bitch.

You have to get through the hard part first. Admitting it to yourself. I've yet to overcome that obstacle. I try everyday before school, looking into a mirror, seeing your confused self, saying those words.
I wish I didn't have to say it. Maybe I could have one of those stickers that reads: Hello! I am ____.
Mine would say: Hello! I am G__.
I can't even think about the word, yet it's all I think about, all day.
I cry some more.

What if my parents found out I was questioning? I could hear them now.
God made you, to love a boy! Not a another girl!
How dare you become a fu**ing queer?!?
You're an abomination to this family!
You're going to die a sinner and be sent to Hells Gates!
I can't believe I gave birth to a dyke.

The sobbing then turns into something much more. My breaths become heavier and heavier but quicker and quicker. It feels like my lungs are straining me, they're trying to hurt me!
I escape to my bathroom floor. I lie there catching my unsteady breaths. It takes a while, but I recover.

I stand up and face myself in the mirror. My red eyes and red cheeks, stand out. My tussled hair tickles the back of my neck.

I stand with my arms folded, 3 inches away from my reflection.
I conjure up to say the three words.
I open my mouth but it locks closed. Somethings got a hold of my voice. It's been ripped from my body. I choke and freeze every time I open up my mouth.
My hands shiver and I exit the bathroom.

It's currently 12:57 AM on a Saturday night. Both my parents sleep, but I haven't slept since Thursday. Moms pills keep me awake. They work. She's almost out though. I need to stay awake! The more I stay awake, the more I can think. The more I think, the more tempted I become. I'm just waiting for the day that my temptation becomes an accomplishment. It certainly won't be an accomplishment that's moms proud of though.

Your child is gay!

Thats not something you go out and buy ice cream for.
I've been questioning since last years summer. I mean, I've always thought females were appealing to me, I just thought that it was normal. Now I know it's not.
We were playing truth or dare and the most popular, prettiest girl in the school was dared to make out with me. She hesitated at first, but she did it. It was what she said after the kiss that made me realize that I wasn't normal.
She said:
"But I'm not a fu**ing faggot or lesbo. That would be gross!"

That night I did research.
Lesbian? Faggot?
Both definitions were the same, just with reversed genders.
By the way she said it, it sounded like lesbian or gay was a bad thing to be.
Well what if it wasn't.
I would be normal.
I would please my family.
I wouldn't be an abomination.
I would just be me, in my truest colors.
The me that everyone loved.
The me that I would love.
A sigh releases from my mouth.

"Gay." I say in a whispery, raspy, voice.
"Lesbian."
"Queer"
The words are almost spilling out of my mouth now.
"Homo."
"Faggot."
"Dyke."
I'm using my normal voice now.
That's when I realized, that was the first time I've ever said those words. I say them not to insult myself, but to accept myself. A smile finds its way onto my face. Something that I haven't done in a while. Then I start to laugh. Something that I haven't done since I was young.