One By One

Alone

Its something that you can't shake,
The feeling of being Alone.
Even when your friends and family are right there beside you.
And you don't know exactly why you feel this way.
You just do.
That's why when people ask you "What's wrong?"
You tell them "I dont know"
Even though you know they're going to get mad.
They say that you do know,
You just don't want to tell them.
But in reality,
You really don't know.
You just feel odd.
There are tons of things that it could be,
More like it is those tons of things.
It's not just one thing that makes you feel this way.
No one thing can make you feel this emense emptiness inside.
No one thing could make you shelter yourself from the world;
From others.
Even those who claim to care about you.
No one thing could ever make you want to scream and cry and bash your fist into a wall more than everything combined.
With everything combined; that is why you feel how you feel.
Empty.
Sad.
Tired.
Angry.
Confused.
Scared.
But mostly you feel...
Alone.
You want someone there beside you.
Someone who will listen to you.
Someone who will be there no matter what.
Someone who will be strong and won't judge you for being weak.
Because everyone deserves their moment of weakness.
The moment to just let it all out.
To feel that crushing weight lift off your shoulders,
But that someone never comes.
Or maybe they do
But you push them away.
Without even realising it you push them away.
You think you're protecting them by sheltering them from who you really are,
But you're just hurting them.
They blame themselves for your pain.
They want to help but know that no matter what, you won't talk.
Because telling them would mean that you're letting them get close to you,
And everone who gets close to you gets taken away.
Even then, I have to be truthful.
Even while knowing all that;
Some days you find yourslef trying again.
Trying to stay strong for them.
Trying to pretend like everything's okay.
Because you're tired of them blaming themselves.
So you try to smile more.
Laugh more.
Hug and kiss more.
Go out and do things more.
But still-
You know that its just pretend.
All you're doing is liying to them,
And to yourself.
Because to matter how much you pretend,
It's still eating away at you.
You still crawl into bed at night and go over everything a thousand times in your head.
You let out everything from the days before.
You suffer in silence,
Only small tears streaming down your face.
You dont feel bad enough to actually cry.
You could almost say that you're used to it.
You don't feel anything,
Yet you feel everything.
But you're so used to feeling that way that you don't cry about it.
Not to the point where your head hurts and you can't breath out of your nose.
You just silently let tears fall,
One by one.
Cascading down your cheek and soaking your pillow.
So much that your pillow becomes cold and wet.
But you don't flip it over.
What's the point if you're just going to soak it again with the tears that come in your sleep?
Even without nightmares, you still wake up to tears in your eyes.
And those deep bags under them as well.
Because no matter how long you sleep,
Or how long you lay in bed starring up at your ceiling urging yourself to sleep,
You never get rid of the exhaustion.
You sleep all day yet still feel so drained of energy.
And oh so tired.
To the point were you become sick.
And the only thing you want to do is sleep some more.
Maybe youre depressed.
Maybe its a faze.
Maybe its social anxiety.
Maybe...
One by One the reasons are thrown at you.
The things everyone comes up with for an explanation.
Maybe they do it so they feel like they at least tried.
Or maybe so they could flaunt it in your face that they were right.
But that's not what bothers you the most.
It's what they tell you to do to fix it that annoys you.
Go outside more they say.
Talk to people more they say.
Come out of your room and socialize more.
Be more.
Do more.
But who are they to tell you what's best for you?
And besides,
You've tried already.
You did all those things and no one said anything then.
But now that you don't do anything, they want to tell you how to be.
How to talk.
How to walk.
How to be more presentable.
But it's not to help you.
They do it for themselves.
They don't want to be seen with you.
Not when youre mopeing around and staying quiet all the time.
They want themselves to appeal to everyone else.
Kiss everyone else's ass so much that they would do anything to change you:
So they don't look bad.
But even with that said,
Again, I have to be truthful.
There are going to be those who really do care.
The very few who really want to help.
Not for their benefit-
But for yours.
One by One they show their faces.
They come into your life,
Some stay longer than others.
But all make the ordeal of living your life a little more bearable.
If only you could always lie.
Always make them happy.
But even though you've been trying so hard again.
One by One those feelings come back.
The never-ending cycle of whatever it is that you're going through continues.
Because even when you know there is good in the world,
Even with someone sitting right next to you,
You still can't help but feel
Alone...