r e g r e t s / / n h

02

Halsey-Is There Somewhere 

And now I'm here, in the same old bed, trying to forget the same old love I felt when I was around him. The bed we used to sleep together at those cold nights of the winter. Things I can't take back. Things I can't have. You.

My life isn't the same since he left. I spend most f the days inside my room. I stopped crying. I stopped hurting. It sounds weird but it just doesn't hurt me anymore. Not the same it used to at least. I'm just sitting there, no words coming out of my mouth for the last three months. I don't eat. Well, I do. Rarely. Everything has changed since he left me.

My older brother, Tim, visits me every day. He brings me food, takes care of me. Well mostly he wants to be sure I take my medicines, thing that I don't usually. I stopped trying to save myself. I can't be saved. I'm already dead, he just can't see it.

His sister calls sometimes. Asking if I'm okay. Of course she's not talking to me directly, but my brother. I don't 'communicate with anyone' as he says, which is true, mostly. Sometimes I try to talk to him, sending messages or something like that. Asking if he's happy or sad, if he's cold or hungry. Of course I don't take any answer. I'm used to it, I'm a lunatic after all.

I miss him but I can't do anything about it. Dc Martinez says its okay to have that feeling. She's really trying to help me get through this. 'This'. She just can't understand. As everyone. I can't be helped.

Every night I have those terrible nightmares I just can't escape. They keep twisting inside my head over and over trying to beat me. Voices screaming my name, telling me to give up. But I don't. I still believe he'll be back one day. Some day.

I can't eat, I can't speak. I won't. I just can dream a better place with him. He and me, smoking a infinite pack of cigarettes, thinking about the broken promises we made, our regrets. Each cigarette we smoke would be lit by the flame of our own regrets. And even then we'd both be happy cause we'd know that we have each other. But he's not here. And there's no such place on earth.

I miss him. I just miss him so much that it stopped hurting. I'm not even living. I'm just surviving.