Things I'll Never Say

Are You Positive?

I quietly left the room, feeling that I had said all that was necessary, and grabbed the grocery bag as I headed upstairs to our room. Finally, I started to feel some inner peace knowing I had said what I was thinking for once; and I found it quite liberating. Still, despite my peace of mind, I knew my life still wasn't perfect, nor was it anywhere close to being. And soon that silence and freedom inside turned to worry and anxiety as I stared down at the pregnancy tests that lay on the bathroom counter.

Realizing all the thinking and worrying in the world wouldn't change what news the tests would tell, I took the bag in my hand and brought it over to the toilet. Pouring the three tests on my hand, I began opening the packaging and taking each test one by one. After taking each test, I flushed the toilet and ripped off a sheet of toilet paper, walking back over to the sink and setting the tests down on the sheet that I put on the counter while I washed my hands. Then I remembered I had completely forgotten to read the instructions to see how long I needed to wait, so I found myself walking over to the trashcan and pulling out the box container one of the tests came in. Flipping the box over so I could read the back, I noted it said to wait two to three minutes. I looked at the clock on my nightstand from the bathroom door; it was 12:43.

I found myself sliding down the bathroom wall until I ended up on the floor, pulling my knees into my chest as I waited the painfully long two minutes. It wasn't long before all the worrying got to me and I found myself making out every possible scenario in my head before I even knew a thing of what the test read. But any way I looked at it, nothing ended well. But maybe that's because nothing had ever ended well. Everything would appear to be going to just fine, only for me to find out it was all a lie as it all crashed down. And no one's life is perfect without any down points. The point of life is how you handle the situation, and to make sure you always come back up fighting. But it seemed like my life was becoming the opposite. Instead of doing well, hitting a low point, and climbing back up, it seemed I would hit a fairytale high point only to fall down in a dark pit, struggling to keep my head above water. It's like holding food in front of a dog, but not allowing it to eat it. I was being shown how life could be, only to be taught that I could never have it; it was all a big slap in the face.

I checked the clock again; it was 12:46. Slowly, I stood back up and stepped over to the counter, looking hesitantly at the three tests, all lined up in a perfect row. And, to my great regret, all had a tiny plus sign in the frame. What were the chances that all three tests were wrong? It was positive; I'm pregnant. And all I could think was,"What a horrible way to bring a child into the world."

Regret hit me like no other time in my life. I couldn't believe I had screwed up so badly. True, Mike was my husband. But we didn't have our life under control. He didn't even have control of his individual life. So if we couldn't make our marriage work, how were we supposed to make a family work and raise a child? How could I let this happen to an innocent baby? I had made a big mistake.

Suddenly, a sharp pain hit me on my cheekbone and I felt myself falling to the floor.

"Get up!" a gruff voice growled that I knew could only belong to Mike. The smell of alcohol confirmed it, and I knew my fears were becoming a reality.

I stood up, pushing my body up using the wall, trying to not think about the throbbing pain of my cheek that I could now see because of the swelling. My eyes had already welled up in tears and I could no longer see out of my right eye. Still, I knew Mike was looking at me with spiteful eyes, ready to take his next blow.

"How dare you bring another man in this house! And how dare you go to criticize me! You had no right!"

He took a fistful of my hair in his hand and began to drag me out of our room and into the hallway. I tried to keep pace to ease the tension, but he was just too fast.

"Did it feel good, Demi? Huh? Did it feel good to call me out? Well I sure hope so because it's never going to happen again, got that?" Mike said with a clenched jaw.

Without even giving me a chance to respond, he raced down the hallway, my hair still in his fist, making his way to the stairs, and I was left to be dragged under his control. We stopped at the foot of the stairs and his hand moved to my neck, gripping it firmly.

"I told you to get out! I gave you your chance, but you didn't take it! So now you're stuck."

And, without warning, Mike's suffocating grip let loose as he threw me down the stairs. With piercing pain, my head hit the wall by our front window. I could no longer see anything because my vision was so clouded with tears. But I could hear the terrifying noise of Mike running towards me and I soon felt a hard kick to gut.

"That's for having that man over," he growled, proceeding to kick my back,"and that's for disrespecting me."

Finally, there was one last blow to my temple causing me body to arch up, and I blacked out before I hit the floor, disappearing into a dark nothingness. My last wish was that I'd never wake to see the light of day again; I had never wanted something so badly in my entire existence. But knowing my luck, I wouldn't even be granted that.