Hogwarts: The Secret Society - BOOK 5 (A Harry Potter Fanfic)

13: Broken

We were all sent to the Hospital Wing straight away and Harry arrived soon after. Everyone else apart from Josh and I were pouring over the Daily Prophet.

Josh was staring at me and I was staring out of the window. I hadn't said a word since we arrived, I hadn't looked anyone in the eyes. I was sat cross-legged on the hospital bed, my hands shaking badly. I fidgeted with the bracelet with the dog paw, the last Christmas gift I had received from my father. Not a single tear fell since I arrived at Hogwarts, I was just empty. I didn't want to accept what had happened. Harry left and everyone looked over at me with worry.

'Are you OK?' Ron asked me, concern evident in his voice, and I nodded.

With that, everyone left me alone. They knew I was lying but also knew better than to press me. I was broken and they couldn't do anything to fix it. The only thing that could bring me back was my father, and that was impossible.

Three days before the end of term, we all left the Hospital Wing completely cured. Physically, at least. Hermione showed signs of wanting to talk about Sirius but every time she mentioned his name, Ron and Nico made a shushing noise. 

Josh remained by my side constantly, his hand never leaving mine. He was afraid I would do something stupid, that he would lose me. His presence didn't help much, but I let him believe it did. I forced a smile whenever he looked at me, pretended I was better. I wasn't.

They were careful around me, I knew they were avoiding specific topics and communicating behind my back but I was past caring. I just wanted my dad back. Sure, we argued and often didn't speak for days at a time, but he was my dad. I had lost him for twelve years and as soon as I got him back, he was gone again. 

I couldn't handle the pain I felt. Even Josh couldn't help, I was so empty that I just wanted it to end. Scenarios had rushed through my head, things I could have done differently. If I hadn't been so scared of my past, maybe I would still have my dad. If I hadn't broken down at the sight of Lucius Malfoy, Bellatrix would never have had her opportunity. 

I just wanted to talk to him one more time. All I longed for was a chance to apologise to him. Apologise for not saving him. Apologise for being so weak.

One day before the end of term, Peeves chased Umbridge off of the school grounds during dinner time. Most of the students ran after her to watch what was happening and the Heads of Houses didn't really try to restrain them.

Soon enough, I was the only pupil left in the hall. I could feel the stares of the teachers but I didn't move. The silence was unbearable, however, and soon I felt the tears fighting to fall. I grasped my hair tightly in my hands and started to sob silently. I no longer cared who was watching, I was too broken.

'Black...' Professor McGonagall had made her way over to me.

'I-I'm fine,' I wiped my tears, 'I'm fine.'

'What happened that night...' she said, 'There was nothing that could have been done. Your father's fate was sealed when he made the decision to go to the Ministry. You were not at fault.'

'If I hadn't gone in the first place, if I'd just made sure he was safe... If I had gone to the fireplace instead of Harry, Kreacher wouldn't have lied... He couldn't have lied, I'm his owner...' I clenched my fists, 'If I hadn't been so scared, I could have stopped Bellatrix... I could have done so much differently.'

'What happened cannot be changed, Black,' she said, 'Your father would not want you to destroy yourself over this. He wouldn't blame you.'

'But he's not here,' my voice was gaining volume and I stood up, a sudden surge of anger taking hold, 'How can you know what he would think? He's dead! He's dead and I could have stopped it!'