nine lives.

pull me to your chest.

I had felt this way before, several times in fact.

It was watching the kids play on the playground, or the way one boy had run through the water, helping wash his father's car, they were usually brief and fleeting moments but this one stayed. It lingered like a poison and it was always on my mind and the days were empty, I didn't have to find food, or a place warm to sleep, I wasn't fighting for my life so i was left with nothing but my thoughts and my mind and no way to share them. I appreciated the life I had been given by taking this form, I can't explain why or how, but I was so grateful because no one knew. No one suspected it, I lived among them, and I saw who people were behind closed doors, and I know that's something that I wouldn't have had as a human. it was the best thing, because I lived my life, and I breathed and I saw everything I had ever wanted to as a human, but no one stopped to stare at me. There wasn't people asking questions about bruises and black eyes, or the ripped clothes, the limp when one of my mothers 'colleges' had paid for an extra hour, and it burned all over.

I was safe in this form, protected by no one but myself.
(But that was in the past.)

But sometimes, it ached, the memories, and the fondness, and the want to have what I never did, it ached and it hurt my bones, if only for the moment. I felt breakable, vulnerable, someone trapped between the two worlds, and it was stupid, I was human before, but I'm not now, and I wondered what would have really happened to me if I had stayed.

If I hadn't left, would I have died? Would they still be there? How much pain would I have gone through before reaching a breaking point and finding this life undesirable to live? Where would I have gone, because that had never been a home and those people were never my family, relations by blood mean very little to me.

Kenma hadn't been oblivious to my behaviour, he was an observant one, that boy. Even without facial expressions or a voice, he could pick up on the slightest of moods. I found it strange, because I did the same thing to him most of the time, watching, listening, and I knew when he needed me to be there.

This was my home, I was welcomed and loved and missed, and that was all I had ever really wanted.

When he came home from volleyball practice, I was laying on his bed, having watched the shadows cross the room as the sun slowly set, and he turned on the light, and jumped, obviously not having heard or seen me. I hadn't come to the door like I usually would when he got home, I had been too preoccupied with my thoughts. "Nekoma?" He set his gym bag on the floor, and I rolled onto my belly stretching, kicking out a leg as he walked over. "Are you alright? You've been...acting strange lately." He reached out and I leaned into the touch, because I would never refuse him, and he gave a soft smile. "You're always so affectionate me, more than anyone else, why is that?"

Because I love you.

The words processed in my mind before I could even react, and he was leaning down on the edge, and I blinked a few times as i raised my head. I loved him? I did, didn't I? I wanted to be with him and to take care of him, to be there for him. "What is it?" I turned to face him, and the light was on and it was a bit bright but I could see the heat on his face when I stared at him. "What?"

I didn't know what to do, in all honesty, so I just leaned in, going for his palm and he was turning to face me again and his nose bumped my head and I licked across the side of his lips, and he stilled. I pulled back, rolling over and laying on the bed, and he was red in the face. Because, well, I had kissed him.

He got up after that, getting clothes and his towels and going to taking a shower, while I laid on his bed. I buried myself under the unmade covers, my heart beating too fast and I was so tired, it felt like everything had snapped and I didn't have much else but the scent of purley Kenma. I clung to it like a lifeline, because it was, because this boy meant the world to me and I loved him with my whole heart. He was the first one to ever care, even if I was a cat, he cared, he took care of me, he was gentle, he told me things about himself and I wanted to cry. I was in love with a boy that I could never ever hope to be beside, but I just wanted him to be happy.