I stared at my computer screen, the cursor just continuely blinking. How do I sum up in words how I felt? There are no words for it. There is no amount to express it. It's just there, and its something to deal with. I felt like less of a man every time she comes around me because honestly there are just butterflies. She makes my heart race and my stomach tied in knots. And then it came to me. As I typed, the clock ticked on and slowly the night fell upon us as did my eyes too.
I awoke to the door being creaked open at 3 am. Her quiet footsteps made their way to my bed as she laid down with me. "I'm so sorry." Was the last thing I heard from her before she kissed my lips and I slipped into comatose.
That was the last time I ever heard her voice.
That was the last time I felt her touch,
That was the last time.
9:26 that morning, she did it. She did the most horrid thing a person could ever do. And at first I was mad, all I could do is wonder why the hell she killed herself. I locked myself in my room, refusing to eat, refusing to even see the world which I hated so fucking much. I blamed myself, and I still do. This was all my fault and there was a damn thing I could do to stop it, I realized far too late. Everyone goes through their sad phase, but hers was cleverly hidden, plastered with a fake smile and an unreal happiness. Even her glow was fake and I didn't know anyone could do that.
The next day, I found her diary. Each and every silver lined page in this golden book of secrets telled tales of unhappiness and stories of her life. Each page I turned revealed secrets that no one could ever imagine happening to a girl like her. But they did. And no one stopped her.
And on a red rimmed page I found a word that caught my eye, love. Every single word was love, and the paragraph started with I. At the end was a simple "you." Barely legible on the bottom corner of the page read "But you'd hate me if you found out who I really am."
The book flew across the room, almost like an escaping bird before he realizes its a glass enclosing, and it slithered down the wall until collapsing on the ground. That's what my heart felt like.
She didn't understand that she was beautiful, and every putrid word that everyone told her was tattooed in her mind and they lay permanent until there was just no more space. And they piled up, and piled up until that was all she ever thought about. She felt sad, she saw unhappiness, she tasted the vile drink of hate, she heard all of the lies but in her mind they were facts.
The last page said if anyone found this book, to burn it. And so I did.
I didn't get a chance to show her how much I cared. She's gone now, who knows where, much happier than ever on Earth. I just hope she is.
That night was when the words came to me. My fingers never stopped, typing constantly and there was no plan to stop. I had to show her, just before she reached the heavens. Just before she took that final step into death. I had to show her before she departed, and lost every memory she ever had. Right now she has nothing, she'll be going in empty handed and thats not what I want. I want her to live eternally knowing the truth.
I tucked the envelope into the crease of her dress, above her heart so the words could seep into it, just before her casket was locked and closed for good. Her face was rosy and plump, and had a smile on it. That was the first time I smiled and laughed in weeks. I sat there, talking to her forever in our minds. I could almost hear her replies, and her snort when she got too excited. I'll miss that. I'll miss hugging her, kissing her, walking her home every night. I missed sneaking around like little kids just so her dad didnt catch me. I'll miss her smile and her crazy morning hair, and the way she look when something frazzled her. I'll miss everything about her.
But now, she'll always know how much I love her. Every single damn word and picture was in that envelope. They showed how much she meant to me, how much I valued her, how much I miss her but especially how much I love her. Those words will be with her forever. She's not suffering anymore. And as her body was being lowered into the ground, I placed a single rose on top of her casket.
"I love you." I whispered, and I could just barely imagine her smile.
