Catching Feelings | Bwwm

31| Carsen

There was something different about today. It was the twenty-sixth, still the worst day of the month, but somehow the air felt heavier. Or maybe that was just my heart.

For hours yesterday I sat on on the phone with my mom talking about forgiveness and listened to her to pray for me. The wave of calm that usually washes over me after prayer didn't come. I couldn't get what Nala did to me out of my head. Teaming up with Megan to get back at me hurt, hurt like hell, but I could look pass that. But telling her about my suicide letter? That was a betrayal I didn't think I had it in me to forgive. I've been burned too many times by people in this industry, it's hard to find someone to trust, and to have her expose my lowest moment to Megan was betrayal of the cruelest kind.

I was more hurt than I was willing to admit but I'd been through far worst pain and I was still here. I was strong. I had to remember that. What was a better reminder than relieving my weakest moment?

I sat at the edge of the pool, dipping only my feet in as I held the letter in my hands, not reading the words I once wrote, but replaying the messy situation that happened.

"I wasn't supposed to let you in, but you broke down my barriers. I didn't even notice it until the last brick was down. But I didn't mind because it was you who got me to trust again. To love again. I know I didn't have the best intentions going in, but along the way my actions became honest, pure." I confess. "I was ready to change and be the guy that she believes I can be. But it was just a lie."

"Maybe the lies became the truth along the way." I didn't have to turn around to know it was Nala. Her voice was etched into memory, just like everything else about her.

Anger coursed through my veins at her presence in my home. I'd let her in and she proved to me what a giant mistake that was. I didn't want her here.

She came over and sat next to me but still I didn't look up. With her hands on her lap, her right wrist exposed, I was able to see the anchor tattoo on her wrist. Was revenge that important?

I tore my gaze from the stupid small ink. "What are you doing here? You got what you wanted."

"I'm here because I fell in love with an arrogant popstar," She pauses to place her hand over mine. "Who underneath it all, happens to be the perfect guy for me."

I didn't believe her. At least I didn't want to believe her... but she sounded so sincere.

I hated how confused I was.

"You can stop pretending now Nala. You made Megan one satisfied customer. I have nothing left for you to take. So just go."

I can feel her tense beside me and suddenly her hand was gone, but she still remained seated. Knowing that I upset her made me upset. I couldn't hurt her without hurting myself as well.

"You only heard half of the story," She said. "It was sink or swim. I'd do anything to get money for the semester-"

"Well you got it," I interrupt her. "Your semester is paid for and you get to stay another semester at UCLA and now you can walk away and let us both get on with our lives."

"Carsen-"

"And just to make sure that we're clear, I hate you." I state adamantly.

When I finally found the courage to look at her I wish I hadn't. She was looking at me with sadness in her brown eyes, breaking me down just a little bit more.

"There's more to the story Carsen."

I tilted my head to the side and cleared my face of any and all the emotions I was feeling at the moment as I smirked at her, suddenly needing to get back under control. "You said you hadn't been with anyone since Paul. Was that a lie too?"