*DIALOGUE CHAPTER*
"so can i have your number?" he asks, pulling up his pants.
"no, get out."
"your name?"
"hillary." i simply answer, pushing him towards the door.
"last name?" he pries.
"clinton." i say trying not to laugh.
"cool, great ill look you up on facebook or something so we can do this again." he said stepping out of my apartment.
"yeah you do that." i roll my eyes, shutting the door.
really? he doesn't know who hillary clinton is? africa knows who she is. i pull a t shirt over my head and call my "best friend." also known as my former drug dealer. but she's cool so whatevs.
***
"WASSUP BIOTCH" i hear a voice and then a door slam. that would be alex.
"i brought drugs." she says setting a bag of weed down on the counter.
"oooh yay" i say sitting at one of the stools. that's the good thing about her being an ex dealer, she still grows it. but only for us.
"so tell me about spence." i say, sounding like a little girl. she's the only person to get me to feel some sort of emotion, happiness. i actually feel like a person when im with her.
"she's great, still good pussy."
"okay hoe. spare me the lesbian details. thank you." i laugh, as i light up a blunt.
"speaking of hoe, who'd you fuck tonight?" she laughs.
"i don't know his name of course." i play a long with her joking. but i really don't know his name. oops.
"is that his shirt?" she pulls on the hem and i look down.
"huh, i don't know. maybe." i shrug.
"what name did you use this time?" she rolls her eyes.
"hillary clinton-"
"WHAT?!" she burst out laughing.
"-nononono get this, he actually had no idea who she was and said he'd facebook me!" i yell, smacking her arm.
"ew oh my god." she shakes he head.
***
"okay mom, but it doesn't really matter. it's my decision." i tell my mother.
"but you're 21. maybe you should stick to one guy."
"my life isn't yours, mom. i can do what i want and you can't tell me i can't." i roll my eyes.
"half the time what you're doing is illegal." she looks in my eyes and i look away.
"you right." i say emotionless and she sighs.
"i know you've been through a lot but you don't get to just shut everyone out and do illegal stuff. what even happened to your shoulder?" she asks and i pull my jacket back over my bare shoulder.
"something illegal. you wouldn't want to know." i roll my eyes.
"tell me, now."
"no." i say through my teeth.
"now, lynn."
"stop. don't call me that." i cringe at my middle name.
"im not going to call you what you want. now tell me."
"mom, it's my name." i try to get her focused on something other than my shoulder.
"it's not your name."
"it's closer to my name than my middle name is. at least call me by my full name. just don't call me lynn." i whine like a little girl and head towards her front door.
"you're father called you that. im not calling you that. now tell me about your shoulder. and why is calling you lynn so bad?!" she raises her voice.
"jesus christ mom! this bitch tried to stab me when we stole her coke! okay?! and calling me lynn is bad because it's your name and i want nothing to do with you!" i walk out, slamming the door.
***
"hey pretty lady." i hear a deep voice say. british, oddly enough. i smirk and turn towards the voice and for the first time since i was a shy 16 year old girl, my breathe is taken away. "may i buy you a drink?" he smiles and i nod my head.
"ya know if you're going to drug and fuck me, you can just do it." i roll my eyes.
"why do you assume that?" he tilts his head.
"my first encounter with an attractive male at a bar ended up like that. and the second. and third. and fourth. by the 7th i just let it happen." i lie to get him to leave.
"why would you let that happen to you?" he says, not weirded out and leaving.
i think for a minute before responding with my favorite thought.
"what you can't feel can't hurt you." i stir my drink with my straw.
"hmm" he hums, placing his hand on his chin. "you're different. i like you."
"i like me too." i laugh.
"where are you from?" he asks.
"this shitty town obviously. what about you mr british? and why have you come to new jersey of all places?" i ask.
"hey it's not too bad around here. i live with my aunt and uncle. have for about 6 years after getting in trouble back home."
"so you must be from bel air, right will? long drive just to come to this shitty pub." i giggle. what. did i just giggle?
"very funny." he laughs.
"im funny sometimes." i smile, and for the first time in a long time, im not not worried about my drink being spiked. or who im going to hook up with tonight. im worried about how i look and if my laugh is too obnoxious. im worried about this charming boy in front of me. for the first time in a long time, i feel like me.
***
after a long night, i think it's time to head home. i text alex to meet me at my apartment and that i have something important to tell her.
"by the way, my names harry." he says, taking the napkin with my number on it. i smile and run my hands through my hair.
"im" i hesitate. i haven't told a guy my real name in three years. i can't do it. before thinking about it, im already walking away from him and out the door.
*****
