An Update For My Friends

Down to the nitty gritty

So things have been shit, for quite a while now and by quite awhile I'd say the last 6 months or so, but more specifically, the last 3.

In that space of time a lot of things have changed: I've lost friends, moved house, family members have become ill and more and at the minute it's all just got a bit too much.

The friends thing I'll get over that's not the main issue here. The moving house I'll get used to but the thing that is really affecting me most right now is the fact that my dad is now ill. Now he hasn't got some life threatening disease or illness so surely I should be counting my lucky stars but he's got a very severe neck condition that is known as Dystonia ( Or more scientifically referred to as Spasmodic Torticollis) and let me tell you it's a bitch.

Now you may be reading this thinking "Oh well its only a flicky neck, it can't be that bad" and you know what 4 months ago I would have said the same thing, but right now, I feel like its the biggest thing in the world. The bastard first sprouted when I was on holiday in Bournemouth over the 6 weeks holidays, my folks and I were sat outside on the balcony and all of a sudden my Dad's neck began to twitch as though he had a nervous tick or something, however it then went away and we all thought nothing more of it.

There then must have been a gradual change, as honestly, I can't remember when it first started to become a problem. Within a month or so this thing had now become an everyday worry for myself and my family as no one knew what it was. We would go out to eat and it would create problems, we would go shopping and it was a struggle. It was constantly there. This then went on to trigger other symptoms and it wasn't until these occurred that people, more specifically doctors started to listen. Countless appointments and weeks down the line my Dad finally got a diagnosis of Dystonia. However things by this point had become pretty bad.

For those of you who do not know, although I like to think I'm pretty open out it, I suffer from quite bad anxiety, especially when it comes to eating. So as you can imagine trying to go out to eat feeling pretty rubbish already with an elephant like that in the room was difficult, like really difficult. It then started to bleed into other activities, pretty much anything that involved me and my Dad in public, made me anxious.

By this point I was now having counselling sessions (privately cause NHS are fcking morons but anyway) and I was convinced that I was the problem, that it was just me and my anxiety and that I needed to get better, I was the one who needed fixing, and that all of these problems around me were isolated from that. But that wasn't true. Yes I get anxious about things, for example I'm no longer learning to drive because that became a battle however, all these things going on were what was amplifying it. The stress, the pressure, the feeling of the world against me.

There were times where things got pretty bad at home, especially around the time we were moving, although it wasn't far, it was hell. I'd be at college all day and come home to an unpleasant atmosphere at home and then proceed to decorate or pack or whatever else needed doing. I was constantly tired and pretty much didn't want to go home. There was pretty much an argument everyday that I'd have to ref one way or another. My Dad would be annoyed because he couldn't do anything cause of his neck. We were constantly a man down, however that man liked to whinge about it which made things much more difficult to deal with.

I understand how he felt though, on top of all this, because his condition has become this bad, my Dad has been signed off of work now for quite a significant amount of time because he can't physically do his job (So now we don't have as much money coming in). Due to his neck being incredibly painful and constantly moving he's pretty much has to sacrifice an arm as a support to keep it in place. We've tried neck braces, massages, acupuncture you name it we've done it to try and solve it but we weren't getting anywhere. The amount of times people recommend that to us is crazy, oh yeah thank you, you wonderful being, why on earth did we not think of that before, I get it you're trying to help but it just makes things worse.

It wasn't until mid December before he actually got to receive the treatment that has a strong chance of fixing it. I say strong chance because we have been told that in some cases it can't actually be fixed and it's just a problem you have to live with. So we went there recieved these botox injections (basically they inject it into the muscle to freeze it, to stop it from the spasming ) and they didn't really do anything. They should after a week be working at full capacity and that was bugger all except making everything much more painful; So as you can imagine christmas was a bit shit.

So yeah, now we're here 8 weeks down the line (the time you're allowed to have the next lot of injections) and he's had them but now we have to cross our fingers and pray.

But here's what I really wanted to say,

I'm sorry if I have been the world's worst friend at the moment, but things just feel super intense right now. You guys know me, I don't write on here anymore, I didn't need to. But I feel this is the easiest way for me to explain why I've been abit shit.

I'm sorry for not coming out with you to all these cool things and places you go, but I just don't feel like I can do it at the minute, I'd fcking love to, but lots of mundane stuff has become a problem for me. Fcking hell, I was even anxious going to dancing and I've pretty much been doing that for my whole existence.

So i'm sorry, I wonna start doing things with you guys and being more involved and believe me I'm trying but it's fcking difficult

Love you lots and lots (& I'm sorry it was a long one)

SS