rose | koo junhoe

01 - first & last

the calming breeze friskily gusted her hair as she looked outside of the window, along with her playfully playing the drapes. she glanced outside, lovers were everywhere.

whenever she sees a couple, flashbacks of her and junhoe starts to appear. it will always make her remember junhoe. feeling lonely, she gazed at what the guy does to the girl. it was almost the same as what other couples do, including her and junhoe.

he cheated on her, she felt used. he's happy with his new partner, she's alone, every single day couldn't stop thinking about him even if it already had passed a year, without a connection.

it's unfair, living in the world made her realize that life's unfair. she couldn't have him, she used to have him, but both let go of each other. he left her stranded, like a castaway.

each words he said in the beginning used to flutter her heart, touching her heart and in the end, it felt like it was thorns in her heart; thorns of roses, sharp like a dagger stabbing her.

the world is killing her, junhoe is killing her, everything is killing her, slowly, painfully, all at once.

but what can she only do? weeping everytime, trying to act all was nothing and acting brave. she couldn't do all of that, she isn't strong.

'only love could end the pain of the heart' forget the phase, it isn't true. to her, everything she sees is a lie, nothing else, but a lie.

she suffered from depression, because of feeling cheated? it wasn't a trivial thing, it's a serious thing for most people.

speaking ill of junhoe, she used to feel bad about that, but now? it's a habit of oathing him, she didn't care about it now, she accused junhoe for everything, but at the same time she wasn't. she still loves him, she wanted to know whether junhoe had ever loved her. she wanted to be loved by the person she loves. but like what the world had told her, it's all unfair.

she closed the window and moved to her desk. with tears dripping unstoppable, she took love letters they both used to always exchange. this used to make both of them happy with just it. but now? like expected, it all changed. growing up, knowing that exchanging love letters is an immature stuff to do, both stopped because of that, both were trying to act mature. acting mature was such a not righteous thing to do for her.

she read them, tears flowing even more. it hurts her heart, seeing his handwriting, what he wrote, anything that reminds her of him is hurting her.

knives are in her heart, how can she pull it out when everything isn't like what she wants?

she felt like she wanted to kill herself, see how junhoe made her go insane?

she felt crazy, she really wanted to kill herself but most of nights in her dream, junhoe told her not to, all of that made like junhoe is still with her, or she was just too heartbroken and almost crazy until she sees junhoe's hallucinations.

she loves him, he used to love her. she cried almost everytime like a sorrowful young woman in those dramas, he felt as if the memories that he was with her was a piece of nothing, and continued with life as if nothing gone wrong.

she's desolated, he's contented. she's going to break, he's going to be the same like the usual him. as they grew up, the more things they had, changed on theirselves.

reading the letters, 'i love you - from koo junhoe' she wondered if that had ever been genuine, or it was just a pretended actions of his. why did she think that it might be unreal? easy, it's uncomplicated to write those simple words. 8 letters then you're done.

'junhoe was such a liar, cheater.' were words that had gone permanent everytime before she sleeps, she'd say it repeatedly.

she's mad, he's not. she's pathetic, for couldn't stop crying about him. he's also a pathetic young man, for using her. probably the only thing they have in common, patheticness.

she hates him but she also doesn't hate him, he doesn't know what he actually feels about her, whether he ever had loved her or not, he doesn't know.

she felt safe whenever she's with him but sometimes she felt like she could kill herself for being with him, he wasn't sure what he felt whenever he's with her, either a feeling of hate or love, or probably neither.

she wanted him back, he wanted to know what he actually felt. she wasn't strong, neither was he.

his cheesy phases, his romantic recites, his narcissism, she remembered all of that, she misses him so bad.

she wanted to hear his voice again, she wanted them to be together again, she didn't actually want it, she needs it.

she felt like she needed him, he felt like she used to be everything but then to his nothing, or probably not nothing, but something like that, apparently.

she felt like if once she has him back, she'll feel that everything is enough. he felt like if once he have her back, he won't know what will going to happen.

their ring, she still keeps it and he still uses it. so what is it? is he missing her? that ring was valuable and meaningful to both of them. because the ring was given on the day where they both started to know that they love each other. yes, junhoe did love her. but now? it could be that he is still.

with tears motionlessly on her eyes, she laid herself down on the bed while taking her phone. she took it, and dialed junhoe's number. although she knew that it couldn't be his number anymore, she didn't care, she was still turning on the voice call, without junhoe hearing it.

she was talking to junhoe, no she was actually talking to herself.

'koo junhoe, remember when we used to always say we loved one another and exchanged love letters? i wish we could do that again, even if you didn't mean that you love me. i wish we could restart everything, i wish i was reborn, i wish you wouldn't cheat on me, i wish that everything would be what i've always wanted. i love you and you used to love me. and remember the day when you told me that you cheated on me? you told me that i was like a rose you picked on streets, and then you told me to emphasise what you meant, then eventually, i know what you actually meant, completely useless, right?'

she figured that out already, she finally knew that she was just nothing to him.

picked on streets, and in the end, it would've just been thrown. just like what junhoe did to her.

'yes, you're right. congrats for figuring that out,' that voice from the phone that she longed for, spoke up. he was listening to the sound of her crying and then it was when he realized that he, himself missed her and that he actually still love her.

The End