Betrayed

Thoughts

I'm not afraid of the darkness, or of the night, I'm afraid of the silence where there is nothing to hide me from my own screaming thoughts. I am afraid of my own thoughts. How pathetic. At school I have enemies, they taunt me, and try to break through my emotionless facade, and damage me. They don't know that I'm already broken.

Lights, it takes a second to destroy it, just blow out the candles, the darkness however is always there. Even while the candles are lit it lurks in the shadows. Except mine don't hide. And that tears me apart inside. Am I not strong enough to even pretend that I'm okay. Can my demons not hide from me for a day. Can I be normal for just one day.

Long ago, a friend told me "One small crack doesn't mean that your broken, it means that you were put to the test and you didn't fall apart."(A/N credit to _zozo7) But I know I'm broken. Because I know I've fallen and when you fall you break, and when you break you shatter, and when shatter your destroyed into a million pieces and you know you'll never be whole again.

I have fallen, I have broken, all because I have trusted. Never again, I told myself. I suppose never isn't forever. Don't let yourself break.

I've been told that the best revenge is indifference to the pain. But that doesn't mean it stops hurting, that just means you don't let the hurt show.

There was this poem I once came across. And it read "Life once asked death 'why do people love me but hate you?' And death responded 'because you are beautiful lie and I am a painful truth'." But is it worth living in a beautiful lie if it's not beautiful at all. I know that words with out emotions are words without meaning. But isn't it better that way. To shut yourself away so that you can never get hurt. Isn't that protecting yourself.

I was also once told that power isn't a material or a thing, it's a feeling, and it's worthless compared to family and love. And yet some of us would lose everything for power. Choosing power over family defines us, it also breaks you. So does that mean I'm not alone. I'm not the only one that's broken.

There was a funny line I once overheard in a conversation. I don't remember quite all the details but this has always stuck with me. It went "Where would Romeo be if he stayed away from his Juliet." And the answer was rather simple it was. "Alive." Because in truth isn't that what love is, handing someone a key to your heart and a gun to destroy it. And as they hold the gun to your heart hoping they'll miss.

It's a redundant patter. Love, hate, love, hate, love, and then more hate. Over and over again like a broken record. That will never be fixed. There was a line that said "Once human beings had four arms, and the same amount of legs. And we were bounded in a way that is not as we are now, and the creatures lived and thrived. But then we were torn apart. Ripped in bloody half like rag dolls. Our so called 'soulmates' taken beneath our very noses. And now we scour the earth for them."

It's a stupid excuse. It gives us a thing to blame when out hearts are continuously. Hoping each time that the person you fall in love with is your other half. And if it isn't well I think your imagination could take it from there.

Because if that's love I want no part of it. Not if it means destroying the pieces I've so carefully put back together again. There was once a time where I had a moto for myself. It went something like "When life gives you lemons squeeze them in the haters eyes and walk away with your eyebrows on fleek." But wouldn't that be like squeezing lemons into my own eyes. Since I hate myself with a burning passion.

People say nobody's perfect. But I still have to try, and I still always fail. And it hurts, but the worst thing is that I've become used to the pain. So much that it's an expectation.

I'm just waiting for the future. Praying that it's better than the present. And I hope it is because if not, I don't think I could survive the process. Of hoping for something and losing it, that's worse than never hoping for anything at all.

But I hope I always remember this phrase, if I forget everything that I remember this one meaning, this promise. "Everyone can hurt you, so don't let them get close enough to do any real damage. And if they do, end it." End the pain, and the suffering, do what I've never been strong enough to do. And if you don't if you let them rule your life. Then they win. Don't let them win.

I think of these things as I get ready for another day of school. Of meeting my problems head on. These are the torturous things that circle in my head 24/7.

These are my thoughts.

And I need to give some credit to _zozo7 cause she helped me come up with one of the quotes! ;P